Monday, December 28, 2009
what are we doing?
i took the boys shopping today. i went to a local favorite where we go to find great bargains. i didn't have anything in particular in mind; i just wanted to get out and do something that used to be normal. however, it ended up not being normal at all. i was quite overwhelmed at what i was doing there. i was overwhelmed at what everyone else was doing there. after being faced with death and having an added perspective to life, the old habits just haven't had the same meaning as they did before. don't get me wrong, i don't think that there is anything wrong with shopping or doing things we enjoy. i just felt guilty being there today. it just seemed meaningless when i knew other people were driving to the ICU to see their dying husband and knowing how that felt. it made browsing a discount store seem very insignificant. i really began questioning what i am doing. what am i doing with this new knowledge? how am i spending my time with this new added meaning to my life? i feel it's a great responsibility. i'm just not sure what to do with it; how to keep this change alive and how to do the more meaningful things in life. how am i sharing that with others? what am i doing and what am i going to do the rest of my life knowing what i know now? hard to say. i just know i don't want to blow this.
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5 comments:
ever think of writing a book??????
Jen, I won't pretend to know exactly how you are feeling. But after Dad died I remember being almost disconnected from my life for quite awhile. So many normal things seemed so pointless. I kept thinking but I could die any minute or Jay or one of my children... What should I be doing with my life if I can sit in a chair and die? Of course I am not scared of death b/c of the hope of Jesus' work on the cross. However, crisis brings a whole new perspective. It reminded me that I want to be found faithful when the Jesus returns... Love you and will be praying for you and your family.
All I can offer is to take some deep breaths each day and do your best. Some days will be great and easy and others will be totally unchartered territory.
I don't know if you'll ever get back to where you were. I never have. It's not better or worse- just different. Welcome to the club of those of us who are living life on a different plane (mathmatically speaking) than most of the people our age- and even some much older. It can be a difficult process but you'll grow in ways you never could have without your new perspective.
Good news is you're not alone or the only one who has ever felt like this. It'll get better with time.
Love you!
Lindsay
Clearly I haven't experienced what you have with your husband. I've experienced death in a very sudden way with both of my parents and it has changed me and my world completely. One of the best things I ever did was start seeing a therapist to sort through it all. My therapist has been paramount to my getting through this and understanding what has and hasn't changed and how I feel and experience my "new reality." It's money well spent. --Happy thoughts coming your way!
I'm going to put a plug in for normal mindless stuff every once in a while.
Don't take life for granted, but sometimes, YOU need something mindless and relaxing to be able to be the best you, you can be.
Relax, take it all in, and then get back in the game.
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