Wednesday, March 31, 2010

welcome to the magpie's nest

i wish i was the kind of photographer who could do maggie's room justice. it has been finished for awhile; we are just waiting patiently for her to move in. i am in love with how it turned out. the only thing lacking is a new feminine curtain and the chandelier that my sister got her.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

my trip to the bank

i went to the bank today.
i had the feeling i should do it another day,
but i didn't listen.
i don't know why i ever ignore those little feelings.
i didn't have my kids with me,
and i had an hour before i had to pick them up from play group.
i had a lot of things i was hoping to do.
instead i went to the bank.
i didn't go in the minivan.
i thought it made more sense to drive our old cr-v.
i won't do that again.
i turned off the car while making my transaction in the drive-thru.
when i was finished the car wouldn't start.
the battery was dead.
how embarrassing is that!!?
and how is that even possible!!?
however, thank goodness i bank at a place with very helpful employees.
the branch manager pushed me out of the drive-thru and gave me a jump so i could get home.
my precious hour was wasted.
i was sad.
i won't be driving the cr-v again.
maybe she is sad that i've replaced her,
but this was not the way to get my attention.
now i'm just mad at her.
i will listen to that quiet, significant prompting next time.

Monday, March 22, 2010

a redeeming thing

at least i'm grateful that after a long day of picking on each other they are willing to crawl into bed together with will in sam's pjs and forget about it. hopefully the quarreling will be forgotten tomorrow, too.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

motherhood or hormones

i don't know what's to blame, but i'm afraid this whole mothering thing is going to get harder than i thought the older my kids get. i'm not referring to bigger messes or more bodies to care for, but i'm referring to the emotional part of being a mother. i've found myself in tears on several occasions today. maybe i'm just hormonal, but i think maybe not.

it has been painful to watch sam today. today in primary he wanted to be chosen so bad for an activity. the teacher kept saying she was looking for someone reverent to participate. sam was never trying so hard in his life. time and time again she looked past him and chose someone who was more just needing a distraction. i watched sam almost in tears. i know it's not that big of a deal; your kid is not going to get picked every time. i realize that, and i'm ok with that. i was just painfully reminded of my childhood. i was always the quiet one who never got picked for anything, not in class and not for the dodge ball team in gym. oh, how i wanted to be called on though! i relived that pain a thousand times today watching sam. he was trying so hard to not appear upset. thankfully he did get chosen very last, right before i couldn't hold my tears in any longer. you would have thought he had just been called to walk on the moon. he was happy.
another instance... he LOVES his stuffed animals. he has about 10 of them that we take almost everywhere we go. thankfully he has one that just turned 20, so we can always leave them buckled up in the car with the 20-year-old tiger when we go into places and they will be safe. that wasn't the case tonight. he was very excited to take them into his grandma's house to show his animals to his cousins. it turned into a very strange night. i noticed that he wasn't playing with anyone all night and just wanted to sit with me. that is NEVER the case. when we got home he told me that one of his cousins told him that they didn't want to play with him with his animals. sam was very hurt by this. he told me that his animals are very special to him. i wanted to cry again. i'm certain his cousin wasn't being unkind. it probably isn't fun to every child to play stuffed animals; i just hope comments like this don't threaten his love for his own interests. i've had moments like that; you feel stupid or embarrassed and never want to have anything to do with those things again. i'm just hoping.

even with will. i'm already sad seeing him chase after the older kids and always being behind. i fear that he will never catch up or no one will ever want to wait for him. these things are really hard for me.

i'm not suggesting that everyone is so cruel to my kids and out to hurt their feelings or that i want to protect my children from these types of experiences. my life was full of them as i'm sure many children's lives are. to be honest, i would prefer my children to be on this end than on the hurting end. i just hope if they do end up with a life full of these type of experiences that it will keep their hearts soft and highly aware of other's feelings with an added sensitivity for them. in the meantime, i just hope i can hold myself together. sigh.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

the right timing

i know it has been awhile; lots of baby girl prep going on around here. i've had a recurring memory through all this preparation. the timing of this baby just feels so right. that is a stark contrast to how we felt over a year ago.
last january pete and i were both ready to get pregnant again. we both had an overwhelming feeling that it was not the right time. my instinct went a little farther than that. i had a very blatant insight and an overwhelming feeling that went just like this: "now is not the right time. you don't know what's going to happen." it was such an undeniable impression that i was convinced to not try to get pregnant then. i questioned it a lot though, wondering what would happen. i kept thinking that something was going to happen to one of the boys or i was going to get sick or we were going to have to move away. i had a whole list of things that could happen. needless to say, pete having a cardiac arrest was not on that list. however, i'm so grateful for that specific impression because had i gotten pregnant around the time we wanted to i would've been having a baby exactly at the time pete had his incident. that would've only added to the nightmare.
now here we are at the right time. it feels like the right time; it felt like the right time when we got pregnant. we are getting excited to welcome this new baby into our family. my due date is still 4 weeks away, but my doctor seems to think that i won't make it longer than another week. i'm dilated to a 2 and 80% effaced and having contractions, back pain, and cramps. these were the exact symptoms of my other pregnancies. i'm hesitant to guess a date because i really have no idea how long this could drag on. saturday would be a great day since it is the first day of spring. any other guesses?

Saturday, March 6, 2010

building a nest

my baby must be coming soon. i woke up on monday in a major nesting mode that has only gained momentum as the week has passed. everything seems like a chore unless it involves doing something for the baby. i've been folding her clothes, washing bottles, painting nursery furniture, and putting the final decorating touches to her room. not to mention wiping baseboards, cleaning blinds, and all the random cleaning that goes along with preparing for a baby.

at the beginning of the week i felt a little frustrated that the boys were standing in my way of all the projects i wanted to accomplish. it quickly dawned on me that they could nest with me. i've put a bottle of cleaner in sam's hand and had him wiping down cabinet doors while i scrubbed something else. it has kind of turned into the new routine around here, and i must admit it's not such a bad thing.

i'm thinking sam has caught the nesting bug for himself, too. tonight his prayer went a little something like this....
thank you that dad could paint maggie's crib yellow. please help dad to paint my bed like he painted her white dresser and yellow crib. i really want to paint my bunk-bed, too.

if he's so desperate to pray about painting his things, too, then i'm certain he is getting the feeling of what his crazy mother has been feeling this week and perhaps what i will be feeling next week, too.
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