Monday, November 26, 2012

another runaway

running away must be a common theme around here.
after maggie packed her bag so did the boys.
they spent all afternoon secretly planning a run away.
they gathered extra clothes and hid them under sam's stuffed animals.
they would need them to change out of their jammies in the night.
you see, this was going to be a night escape.
they requested all day that i wake them when i went to bed.
they made me promise.
they also packed oranges and ham lunchmeat.
i'm sure they would get hungry.
they had planned to go about 1 mile.
spygear flashlights were tucked away,
and the sunday ads too.
they spent all afternoon whispering and plotting.
i loved watching it all unfold from a distance.
remember when you were a kid and you thought you were being so secretive?
the only thing i didn't like was them taking off their screen on their window and attempting to get a rope out the window.
that was their escape route.
very dangerous.
if they are already planning that at age 5 & 7 imagine how many times those 2 will attempt a window escape as teenagers!!
well, the plan didn't go off.
close to bedtime will spilled it.
he said he didn't want to run away.
he was afraid the police would catch them.
he said he didn't want to walk to smith's marketplace anymore to get grown-up movies.
(apparently grown-up movies are the ones where the people say stupid & shut up. now i know.)
he was too scared and really didn't want to leave home,
so needless to say i didn't wake them up when i went to bed.
i don't think sam was too disappointed either,
and i'm certainly glad they didn't go.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

a mother's heart

i love advice.
i love receiving it,
and i especially love giving it.
i try to keep it on a solicited basis though.
oh, i do try!
tonight my advice was solicited.
i was chatting with the children's librarian who i have befriended.
she is about my age and pregnant with her first baby.
she asked if i had any mothering advice.
as a matter of fact i did.
it was advice that i wish someone would have given me the 1st time around.
i told her to always listen to her mother heart first
and do exactly what it says
even if it feels uneasy trusting in a feeling that's so new.
(or if conflicts with the majority.)
i told her she will always know best.
i gave her the example about how i always wanted to hold my babies.
i got too much advice about how that's not a good thing for fear of spoiling them, etc.,
so i worried it about it all the time with my 1st.
there were many times i didn't pick him up when i wanted to.
i didn't go to his bedside at night when he was crying because i was advised that crying it out was better.
i hated the conflict of what was in my mother heart versus the advice i got from other moms.
the 2nd time around i was a little better,
but by maggie's turn i had enough experience to know that what felt best was what was right for me.
i don't think that poor baby ever got put down!
i didn't advise my librarian friend to hold her baby all the time.
but i i did advise her to if it felt right.
i try to live like this all the time as i mother,
but i'm learning the heart can be a tricky thing
because what feels right isn't always easy.
my very closest friend has a hard task for her mother heart to bear,
but she is listening and doing because she also knows that a mother's heart is always right.
i know her heart is right,
and i hope mine is too through all of its mother growing pains.
indeed it's true...
mother always does know best.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

a lot of life left

the three year anniversary of pete's cardiac arrest is right around the corner,
just 12 days away.
what an eery way to celebrate,
right back in the hospital where the life saving miracle came.
pete is here today undergoing another surgical attempt to get his heart beating in rhythm.
as i have been sitting for the last 4 hours waiting for him to be wheeled back in,
my mind has wandered to the next tower over,
to the shock trauma unit,
to a nurse named sandy.
wondering if she is still there.
wondering if she still remembers the miracle she was a part of,
wondering if she has/had any idea of the amount of hope she gave me.
wondering again if there really is any gesture that could re-pay her.
(other than a day off and a nice bottle of wine. she made many jokes about those things being highly cherished. she was a crass old thing, but she is exactly what i needed much more than a softy.)
in the first hour or so of him being checked into this unit the doctors spoke with me about the possibility of his heart stopping again and wanted my input on if i wanted them to revive him.
at that point there was no way to know the extent of brain damage.
i was at an emotional loss.
i had no idea.
he had told me many times throughout our marriage that if anything ever happened to him to not let him live like his dad did before his death.
in those moments i was at a loss.
honor his possible wish or fight for life?
how was i to really know?
that's where sandy comes in.
she was working in the dark corner of the room
and never spoke until the doctors left.
she said that she had been at that job long enough that she had acquired a sense if someone was going to live or die.
she said she had gotten where she could predict it almost every time.
as she looked at my "wicked sick" husband,
she said she could feel a lot of life left.
she encouraged me to not even think about pulling the plug yet.
her opinion expressed like that probably violated some medical code of conduct,
but i didn't care.
i needed something that went beyond a medical projection.
she was really right.
there has been a lot of life in him,
and every thing he has done since then is to extend that life as long as possible.

he's now out of surgery.
it went well.
the dr. found that the abnormal nerves they burned off the first time had started to grow back together.
he said the tissue in a strong, young heart like pete's oftentimes can be difficult to get all the way through.
he re-burned those nerves again.
he said it was more like repairing the fence than building a new one.
when pete was wheeled back in and still unconscious the anesthesiologist was updating the new nurse on him, his condition, and past medical history.
he told her he had been a cardiac arrest patient.
her response was "he was one of the lucky ones that survived, huh?"
always a surprising realization to anyone who learns the story.
it was then that i had the same re-confirmation that came from sandy almost 3 years ago.
there is still a lot of life left.
and thank goodness.

Monday, November 12, 2012

like mother like daughter

i ran away once.
i think i was 3.
i started walking to my grandma's house down the country mile.
who knows why i really did it.
i've ran away many times in my mind.
like when i was in the 3rd grade,
and my friend lisa park & i planned a whole running away experience,
complete with stealing her parent's golf cart, food to pack, and a late night departure.
the only thing that stopped that plan was that we had no where to go.
i think that's maggie's case.
she packs her pink backpack a lot and says she's going.
she fills it with well thought out items...
all of her wooden food, a water bottle, and her baby.
she was set tonight.
i hope she never really runs away.
i hope that she will always know that there is not a better place than home.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

i've been robbed

something has been in my house.
he has been making his presence known here for many months.
for the most part i can keep him confined to the corner,
but he is always looking
and always waiting for the perfect moment to lash out and steal and plunder.
he's not quiet about it either.
rather, he's quite loud.
he has been out and taking the things very most precious to me.
the things far more valuable than any monetary possessions that i have in my home.
this anxious thief has been stealing my time,
stealing my ability to focus,
stealing my heart,
stealing my peace,
and stealing my best ability to connect with the ones that i love in the ways that i like.
he had a few days off last week.
our home was locked down so tightly there was no way for him to make it in.
i had a few days without the fight to keep him in the corner,
a few days without his constant noise in my head threatening to take my valuables.
but he has found a crack somewhere.
i can hear him slipping back in.
don't worry, you need not call the authorities.
they are well aware of the situation
and are doing all they can to protect me.
the only thing you could do is kick the anxiety thief to the curb and remind him that he is never welcome here.
not ever.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

something missing

this is how sam looked 1 week ago.

this is how he looked 4 days ago.

this is how he looked 3 days ago.

(if you can't tell, he has no front teeth.)
i hardly recognize him!
it is my biggest evidence that he will change.
he won't always look like my baby.
he is quickly starting to look like my big boy.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

employer wanted

sam loves working.
he is good at working.
sam loves money,
and he loves to earn money while working.
he loves money in the "put in the bank and save it" kind of way.
he informed today when he got home from school that he would like to start working for the neighbors on certain days raking leaves to earn $1.
then he thought bigger,
solicit on my blog,
so here we are.
he is willing to do most jobs such as....
*raking leaves ($1)
*moving logs ($0.75)
*moving garbage cans ($0.13)
*making beds ($2.03)
*help move to another house ($5.35)
*vacuuming ($1)
*clean up toys or living room (whole house $5.45, 1 room $1)
*help mow ($10.50)
*reading to little kids ($3.58)
*wrap birthday presents at nighttime ($2)
*wash car ($3.99)
*fold, hang, and put laundry away ($1 per person)
*picking apples (1 hr. $3)
*sweeping hair salons (ginoromous one $10, regular $3)

i can vouch for this boy's character and work ethic.
if you are interested in hiring him for any of the above mentioned jobs,
then please email me at or leave a comment.
have a nice day.

design by