i won't waste this

as many things have overwhelmed me this week, i am also overwhelmed at how many big and little things have happened over the last 2 years but especially the last 2 weeks that have prepared us for this crisis. mostly they have been little things like pete feeling so insistent about getting cell phones last week and the plan he felt strongly that we needed to sign up for; thank goodness for that- it definitely added convenience to my week. there have been many things that i hope to jot down somewhere, but the most important thing i will share here is not as tangible as all the other things but maybe even more important.

pete and i have always had a fantastic relationship, but i, like any person, found myself getting annoyed with him on occasion for sometimes very unimportant reasons. a lot of times i let it fester and turn it into a much bigger deal, and then i would have a lot of regret, and a lot of hoping that that wouldn't be a time for a tragedy. i had 2 of these instances the day before and the day of that turned it into a major preparation and comfort for this event. it may seem insignificant, but i knew in each of these instances that it was something very personal for me.

the first event was something so silly. we were going to the park, and he left with sam without me and will. he was under the impression that we weren't coming; i should've let it go, but instead i mumbled around about how dare he not check before he left just to be sure. i packed will up and took off after him just getting madder and madder. in that moment i should've been hit over the head with a stick this impression was so strong: "you can waste this moment by being angry or you can seize this moment by letting go." i was stunned and realized how silly i was being; i let it go. the next event was the day of when we were setting up our christmas tree. i was irritated that he didn't spread the branches out better on the tree and that he went downstairs to play a game with the boys without helping me. i found myself getting madder and madder. again it was as if a voice was screaming in my ear: "you can waste this moment by being angry or you can seize this moment by letting go." i let it go again and knew this was too strange and it meant something for me. the exact impression of "you can waste this moment" was the critical part of this experience.

it proved to have a double meaning for me throughout all of this. the moments that i was calling 911 and trying to get his body in the right position for cpr his eyes connected with mine with an intense amount of fear, and in that split second i had the impression again to not waste this moment so i went to work doing exactly what i needed to do. i came home from the ER at 5:30 to check on the boys; during this time i had major impressions that he needed to be moved from the hospital he was at. i kind of stalled around waiting for the boys to wake up so i could see them, but i had that impression again to not waste this moment. because this was an impression that was becoming eerily familiar to me i knew i had to start to acting, so i made all the inspired arrangements to get him out of there as soon as i could. that truly paid off to be one of the most important miracles in all of this. his lung collapsed on the way to the new hospital, and i'm certain the old hospital never would've known. i was also told shortly upon arrival that had i not moved him exactly when i did he would've been dead by dinner that night. the doctors also told me that the best thing that pete had going for him up to that point was that not one second was wasted and had even one of those seconds been different the outcome would have probably been very different. thank goodness for that impression to not waste a moment.

in an even more personal way that impression brought me an overwhelming amount of comfort during that 1st day when the outcome seemed so bleak. i will never forget sitting in the floor in the waiting room telling my friend how grateful i was that i felt peace with how well we had gotten along lately and how grateful that i let the anger go and didn't spend my last moments with him being angry. i would've had regret the rest of my life. for some odd reason that was the only thing that was bringing me peace in those critical moments was knowing that i made the choice to not waste the moment.

i know this is a lesson that will bring me peace and prompting all of my days. as i am relishing in the new depth of our relationship i am making every effort to not waste any moments with him in any form. i have never been so grateful for a God who doesn't waste a moment with us. sometimes we get it and sometimes we miss it, but i have an undeniable certainty that He never wastes moments with us in preparing us to do all things. i feel like i will always be living proof of that.