never again...

never again will i be able to bend my left so far up that it almost touches my shin.

never again will it feel like there is a bone coming out of my heel when i walk barefoot.

never again will my limp look quite like it does now.

and thank goodness i will never have to wear those gray simple shoes or miz mooz again!

while these losses will more than likely feel like upgrades after tomorrow's surgery,

it still feels like i'm losing something unique about the body that i have always known.

tonight i got out all my old braces that i wore when i was a very young baby and child.

i was using them to explain to my boys how my body has always been and about tomorrow's surgery will be changing my foot.

they were rather impressed.

so impressed they were determined to fit the molded braces onto their too big & misshapen feet.

they were even impressed with the one-piece muppet baby jumper that my grandma made me for my 1st surgery.

(that was sure a clever suit! the crotch snapped so i never had to pull down my pants over my full length cast to go to the bathroom.)

they were so impressed that they had to try it on,

and twirl around in it.

i was 6 at the time i wore it;

i must have been the same size as will is at 3;

it fit him perfectly.

i think i must have been sam's size when i was about 9. :)

perhaps in 26 more years i will look back on this night, sharing my story with the boys,

and just may not be able to remember exactly how it felt to walk this way or feel this way.

but just like i could remember the little girl of so many years ago like she never changed,

perhaps this phase won't be entirely forgotten either.

just improved.

where have i been & where will i be?

my surgery is in 12 days.

i feel confident that it will be a positive thing.

i'm only nervous that i haven't prepared my home and family enough.

so, instead of blogging or sewing or reading or anything else i love,

i will be making freezer meals, organizing my house, & playing with my family for the next 12 days

just so i will be able to sit out for 6 weeks to heal.

and scan all my photos, read a stack of books on my nightstand table, make a basket of felt food for the kids, catch up on blogging, and maybe take a nap, or watch a movie or 2.

what a busy recovery this will be!

(but don't tell anyone... if i really get to do all of those things, it will actually feel like a vacation! i guess there has to be at least one perk of such a big surgery. :) )

the hooker game

i guess may is a sinker when it comes to blog writing.

it just wasn't happening for me over here;

we were too busy trying to reel in spring,

and too busy dreaming up games like the hooker game.

all morning yesterday i could hear sam & will playing.

they kept referring to each other about the "hooker game".

knowing full well they don't know what a real hooker is,

i was curious to what their interpretation was of a hooker.

i discovered them in maggie's room with about 20 bungee cords hooked all over her room,

creating a very complex web that led from her crib to the closet to the dresser to the rocking chair and to the door knob.

so, that, my friends, is how you play the hooker game.

i would have taken a picture had maggie not thrown our camera in the bath tub.

(it was full of water, and it is ruined.)

friday book review: the alchemist

the alchmeist

by paulo coelho

suggested reading level: 12-adult

this is an inspirational fable of Santiago, a charming shepherd boy, who dreams of seeing the world. he journeys from spain to morocco in search of his personal legend; along the way he encounters many people who help guide him towards his goal. in his quest he is beset by all manner of setbacks, testing his resolve and forcing him to become attuned to the soul of the world in order to survive. by paying attention to the details in the world around him, he learns many important lessons about perseverance, simplicity, and following your heart. by the end of the book Santiago becomes an alchemist in his own right, spinning unfavorable circumstances into riches.

i know i normally write my reviews about children's books,

but i recently read this and found many inspiring messages.

this will be a book i put in my children's hands at age 12.

although very simplistic in characters and plot,

i found much wisdom in the lessons of self-empowerment and believing in your dreams.

the simple honesty in this book was exactly what i was searching for as another year has passed me by.

the inspiration i hope to take with me for my next year was about fear.

it's ultimately fear that prevents us from seeking our own personal legend.

i'm 32 now.

i want no more fear.

i will be spending the next few weeks really trying to see where i want to go, what i want to do,

and then i will kick fear to the curb and plow forward.

by the time 33 rolls around next year i want to see results,

not another reminiscing on all of the things i was too afraid to do.

many lessons in this book;

i will be purchasing this one.

a mother's best day

my mom necklace + 2 new handcrafted heart

necklaces from sam & will

i always appreciate my role as a mother when i can step out of it for a time,

like today.

my best kind of presents are the ones that involve time & reflection,

and that's the kind of mother's day gift i got today.

my family let me sleep until 8:30.

miracle!

i woke up to a beautifully set table, delicious sourdough french toast, fresh fruit, fresh flowers, and homemade cards.

everyone in the family seemed delighted to share this moment with me,

delighted to make the effort.

as i enjoyed the meal, enjoyed watching the clean-up, enjoyed pete doing the sunday ironing, and enjoyed the extra help and effort with the kids,

i felt honored,

well taken care of,

and very comfortable.

as i really thought about the simple acts done on my behalf today,

i realized these are the simple acts i do every day as a mother,

and i was filled with excitement all over again at the prospect that my family must feel every day what i was feeling in these moments...

honored,

well taken care of,

very comfortable,

and grateful.

i was recharged in my motherhood.

my efforts seem more worth it now,

knowing how it feels to be on the receiving end.

these are the best kind of gifts...

the ones that i always remember.

it will be a constant reminder to me that my actions as a mother do matter.

i do get to shape the feeling and tone in our home by the things i do every day

and the attitude in which i do them.

thank you, family, for making my day such a special one.

what a privilege it is to be your mother!

present to past

so many moments have prompted this post...

a grandma who admitted to me that she is finally entering the old season of life,

a college graduation,

close friends putting offers on a new house,

watching my babies' 1st year videos,

making changes to our house.

it truly just feels like i was in the 8th grade and at home with my grandma french braiding my friends' hair before a basketball game while she was making indian tacos for us,

or in the 11th grade playing pool in her basement with my group of friends as we were devouring her lemon cake,

or strolling around the mall with her picking out clothes at dillards or bras from victoria's secret.

it is also hard to believe that 9 years have passed since i found myself walking the stage at my own college graduation.

friends that have shared this neighborhood with us for the last 10 years just seem like they will always just belong in our life;

it has been the only way we have ever known it here.

i also sit holding my 3 & 5 year old watching and reminiscing about the days when they sucked on their toes, or scooted across the floor instead of crawling, or ate dirt, or smiled with only gums wondering how we have already grown out of those things.

and as i cleared old vines out of a rose bush in our backyard, i laughed as i remembered it being the crowning jewel of our backyard when we moved here.

we have made so many changes.

each one of these moments and every moment in between has seemed so permanent while i was there,

just like it would always be so.

but just as each present moment happened it quickly became the past,

yet it still feels like it should be happening,

right now,

just like it did when i was living it.

i don't like knowing that in 10 months this day will just be a memory,

thankfully a good memory,

but still just a memory.

i am going to try once again to take this lesson to heart.

i want to max out every day,

remembering that i only get to live it once,

and i want the memory to be a pleasant one.

at the end of every day,

i hope to find myself still jotting down the tender, boring, exciting, and normal lessons of each day.

i want to always be able to re-live it.

who would've thought?

i couldn't find my cell phone today.

by tonight i gave up the search and called it.

i was surprised by where i found it.

in an empty paint can.

hmm.

i've still been wondering why it was in there,

and thinking about how long it would've taken me to find it there.

i'm afraid it never would've crossed my mind to look there.

pretty much ever.