trying to explain

i know you are all reading the last post wondering if i was too sleep deprived, in denial, or maybe just drunk. thankfully that was not the case. however, i am just as in shock as i was saturday night. there are no words at least in the english language that can really explain this. you could call it a miracle, unbelievable, overwhelming, but that wouldn't be powerful enough.

let me just review the facts... sunday i was trying to process that i was probably going to be a widow and single mom within a few hours. there was much hope when he woke up early tuesday morning. up until 11:00 today i was trying to process that i was still going to be married to the man i love but that he would be a handicap version of that man. when i came back to the hospital today at 11:00 he was READING a book. the nurse informed me before i went into his room that he had just had a conversation with her that he felt like his normal self again just a little cloudy like he was on some medicine. when i went into his room to talk he was exactly the person i would've been talking to 7 days ago. he wasn't questioning why he was here, when we were going, where the boys were, etc. he was just talking like always. he told me he knew he was there because he fell, but he was having a hard time remembering exactly why he fell. when i told him he had a heart attack he wasn't shocked like he was the last 2300 times i told him that. he just said "that's what i thought". for several hours he was perfect. he still is, but he's extremely exhausted and getting a little cloudy again; he needs to sleep. the nurse just did a simple short-term memory test by asking him to remember the words cat, ball, and dog. five minutes later he asked him what words he was supposed to remember and he was able to tell him! he's back my friends! this is not to suggest there will not be many moments where he forget things; maybe he always will. heck, i forget things. i've asked the date several times today. at one point pete reminded me that i had already asked that 2 times; thanks for pointing that out, memory boy! :)

at this point he is trying to sleep while we wait for the angeiogram (sp?). they will still plan on installing the defibulator tomorrow or friday. and right now we will be home on saturday.

i am speechless. i am overwhelmed. i am grateful. i am speechless.

AHHHHHHH!!!!!

THERE IS NO EXPLANATION!!! I CAN'T TYPE IT ALL NOW!!!! HE IS 100% BACK RIGHT NOW!!! THERE IS NO EXPLANATION!!! MORE TO COME LATER, MAYBE EVEN FROM HIM. YOU HAVE NO IDEA! THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

A New Hero

I've written on this post several times the past three hours when I had three minutes before I had to leave the room again because Pete said/thought/did have to go to the bathroom. Now, I'm home at 1:00 am, and I just want to get the facts out.

Many of you are questioning the state Pete is in, what he says, how he is physically, etc. If you've ever seen 50 First Dates, that's how the day has been. Jen is incredibly drained. Pete continues to ask when they're going home, where are the kids, and just why he's there. When Jen tells him he's had a heart attack, he's baffled, or thinks he was in a bad bike wreck....over and over.

One thing that holds true every time Jen retells the events of the past three days, is Pete's love an appreciation for Jen. He always says how hard that must have been for her, and he also said, "YOU'RE MY HERO." There couldn't be a truer comment.

I honestly don't really know what else to say other than a few facts:
-Pete will be getting a pacemaker defibrillator in the morning.
Can't get the dang blog to stop underlining right now and am too tired to mess with it....
-"Time will tell" is seriously the only answer that keeps coming.
-The only thing the Shock Trauma Intensive Care Unit can do for him right now is give meds to lower blood pressure, slow the heart beat, and watch him.
-His short term memory lasts maybe a minute and is completely impulsive; hence the need to go to the bathroom every few minutes. When he has a thought, he immediately reacts as a need to use the bathroom by default. (They can't put a catheter in because he'll rip it out and cause more trauma.)
-He has slept maybe an hour in the past 24, which is normal, although not encouraged. (They can't give him sleep aids because it will cause more confusion and hinder the brain/memory healing process.)
-He did recognize me, but never recognizes his nurse even though he's been there for 5 hours, and in his room talking to him every 5-10 minutes.
-His physical actions are tough. He does get up to go to the bathroom with assistance and we watched him brush his teeth. All was very awkward as he is lacking coordination. The nurse said he'll need a lot of occupational therapy over physical therapy; just learning the everyday stuff.

Hopefully this answers many questions. Jen is exhausted in every way, so if you have questions I'll try to answer them to the best of my knowledge. It is going to be a very long road and they won't know the full impact of his brain injury for probably a year. Everyday will tell, we just need to take it one minute at a time.

What I do know is that he is here, he is fighting, and Jen is a hero. This all can only be described as a miracle and nothing else.

Roxey

an overwhelming day

there's still a very good reason to be hopeful. it has been quite the overwhelming day for me! my heart is so full of gratitude to have pete back in some capacity, the support and love that we have received, and the amount of interest from so many that we know well and not so well; it has consumed me. in the rare moments that i haven't been focused on the gratitude i have been a little confused, confused about what our future will hold. however, i am relieved that he is at least back in a capacity that is doable. if by chance it never progresses past this i think i will be able to do it. i will be tired though. i'm tired now. it takes a lot of energy to repeat myself so many times and to try to convince him of the same old story. he's calm tonight. i've relived the last 3 days a million times in this quite moment with him. now that we are ready to call it a night and try to sleep i can't stop thinking about the last moment i had with him relating to sleep. yesterday i went home to straighten up our bedroom from the night of the crisis. i was afraid of how scary that would be. however, it was one of the most peaceful and hopeful moments i have had through all of this. i laid down on his side of the bed and cried and pleaded that i wouldn't have to sleep in that bed alone. there was an overwhelming presence of him encircling me and reassuring me that i wouldn't have to sleep in that bed alone like i had feared. i got up with a renewed sense of hope. now that i am here with him having him beg me to get in bed with him tonight to sleep i also have a renewed sense of hope that great things are still happening. continue to hope that with a new day there will be new pieces of good news to report.

another miracle

the ventilator is out; he can talk. he is untied, and he wants to go home. so many things he knows and communicates. he doesn't know what a bed is. when asked how is stomach felt he laughed and said "it feels hard." he keeps saying "i'm tired of waiting; let's get out of here now. we're leaving."

there are a lot of really good signs right now. WE STILL HAVE A LONG ROAD! the neurologist said that scans still show no sign of major damage, but he still doesn't know everything but he knows sam is 4 and will is 2. he knew i was pregnant but he said only god knows what i am having. he is still in the very initial stages of recovery. please keep hoping. we are living a miracle right now.

he's still a rascal

good news; i walked over to his bed at about 3:15 in time to see him open his eyes. he looked at me, and i looked at him. i asked him if he knew who i was, and he shook his head yes and reached for my hand. i told him how much i loved him and asked him if he was ok. he shook his head yes. i immediately started asking him to move his arms, legs, etc. to which he responded on command. a really great sign, they said more of a predictor of mental capacity than any test they can do. he is breathing on his own, but they have to still have the ventilator in.

as the hours have gone on he has gotten very agitated and trying to rip out tubes especially the ventilator. it scares me a little; he has never been aggressive like this. they have given him more medicine to calm him down; he seems much more confused now. i am praying that is the medication which it very well could be.

what is happening is all very hopeful; he is back in so many ways, yet there are so many things that we still don't know that we will still have to wait to see. there is still a chance there is some brain damage, and i have been informed that's very likely. there's no way to know right now how his long-term function will be affected- he could be a little forgetful (we've been down that road already; he still can never find his keys or wallet in the mornings. :) ) or he could have no short-term memory. only time is on our side right now. this fight is not over. please do not give up hope. please pray that he will be calm and that his brain will continue to heal and pray that there was minimal damage. i'm not asking for too many big miracles; i'm looking at the biggest miracle i could have hoped for right now- a husband who is awake and not gone.

Miracles do Happen

Jen and I are sitting here in rotten chairs (no we don't have the benefit of naugahyde like some of you hospital regulars do), eating old ham and cheese sandwiches (delicious, by the way Aubrey), and getting oddly giddy and feeling like this is an odd slumber party. We've been laughing, sharing funny, spiritual, and serious experiences. All the while I keep looking over at Pete waiting for him to look at us and roll his eyes as he remembers the way we were when Jen and Pete first hooked up.

The thing is, he is here with us. Pete is fighting, just as no one doubted. He has opened his eyes and actually looked. There is hope. They turned off the cold and are allowing his body to warm up on its own, as fast or slow as that may be, with only the help of a couple of warm blankets. The paralysis meds are off, and the sedation medication is light. Now we wait. What the next 24, 48, or however many hours tell, all we can do is wait. The miracle of it all, is things are looking positive. That's not to say they will tomorrow or the next day, but now it's true. His heart is working far better than yesterday, lungs and kidneys are functioning so much better, and he's freaking opening his eyes!! What more could we ask for at this moment??

As your sweet, pregnant wife curls up in an upright chair and goes to sleep (don't worry, she can pretty much sleep anywhere at all), all I can say is FIGHT PETE, just keep FIGHTING. We love you. You are needed.

Until tomorrow,

Roxey

Please ignore any discrepancies in this post. I'm had and it's 2 am....