am i a sun or a moon?

last night on my drive home
i saw the moon popping up over the mountains
and shining on a city that i really do love.
it was big,
and full,
and beautiful.
i was so impressed that i kept pulling off the side of the road trying to capture it with a picture.
each picture just showed a tiny light speck way off in the distance.
nothing came close to capturing the magnitude & nearness of this great ball of light.
it instantly reminded me of the place i have been the last 2 years.
i have been struggling so on the inside.
it has been the darkest of times for me,
and often it has felt like if there was any light in me at all it was just a tiny speck.
there have been many frustrating parts about this experience,
but one of the most frustrating has been the feeling of not being who i know who i am.
i have always been sure my nature has been bright and very full of light.
perhaps more like a sun than a moon.
as i have been seeking and finding help
i am feeling a return of myself.
there has been a return of light on the inside.
it may not be as bright as the sun yet,
but it's at least as bright as that full moon last night.
and moons and suns both give light, right?
i'm just happy to welcome that back,
even if it's just the light of the moon.

written on her code

i am a hairstylist.
i have wanted to do hair since i was 4 years old.
any paper i ever filled out as a child about what i wanted to do when i grew up it was always hair.
now i'm doing it.
and now i have a daughter who has part of cosmetology written on her genetic code.
she prefers nails though.
her nails are always painted pink,
and she is always looking for someone who will let her paint their nails.
so far her dad & i are her only clients.
she has great accuracy in staying right on the nail bed.
she has such concentration & precision that it's hard to remember she is just 2.
she not only has sharp precision in her technique but also in the management of her product.
there have been 3 instances where she has gotten into polish unauthorized.

1. opened the polish and spilled in the bathroom. not 1 drop on her clothes and only in the sink so it could clean up easily.
2 & 3. she painted her own hands. she put a magazine on the table to rest her hand on and beautifully covered each nail without a drop on the floor, table, or clothes.

she's got a skill if i must say so myself.
i won't be surprised when she brings her 1st "what do you want to be when you grow up" paper home from school and it says "nail tech".
it is written on her code.

a bad send off

it was hard to send sam off to school today,
especially after everything that happened on friday in connecticut.
sam is the same age as some of the children who died.
trying to imagine what that scene would have been like with my child in the midst of it was totally unbearable.
I CAN NOT IMAGINE!
i know i am mourning with a world of people.
i know that it hits each of us in a very unique way.
the hardest part is knowing that all the mourning in the world won't bring those children back,
and it won't ever take away the pain of those families,
and all the mourning in the world won't prevent something like this happening again,
maybe in our own community,
and maybe not.
that's not the fear i'm living with though.
i fear the most if i'm teaching my children what they need to be taught about safety, responsibility,
compassion, and sympathy.
i especially feared that this morning.
i briefly mentioned it to sam so he would be prepared or informed if it was brought up today at school.
it didn't go well on either one of our parts.
sam was very insensitive,
and i reacted with insensitivity to what his age appropriate mind can understand.
i fear that a major teaching opportunity was lost.
i didn't handle it how i imagined i would.
i could tell sam was hurt and/or confused.
as he was leaving for school he said
"the mornings around here keep getting worse."
that knocked the air out of me.
i surely didn't want to send him off feeling like that on a day that has the potential to be heavy.
of course i tried to smooth it over,
but i sobbed the whole way i watched him walk the block to his walking group.
i sobbed because i made a mistake.
i sobbed because he was hurt.
i sobbed because i couldn't send him off this morning with what he needs.
i sobbed because he will get better comfort from his teachers & peers today than i could offer.
i sobbed for those children who left for school just like sam and never came back.
i sobbed for their families who didn't know their children would never come home.
i especially sobbed for the mothers who may have sent their children off on a bad note like this and that was their last experience with their child.
i sobbed because i feel so sad even though i still have my children here,
but maybe i sobbed because i know their childhood won't last forever.
i sobbed because i have felt so good lately,
and now i just feel like sobbing.
i'm hoping the heaviness won't last around here today.

dear sam

dear sam,
you told me today that you didn't miss me one bit while you were at school.
that's ok.
i know you love school so much that maybe you really didn't miss me,
and i'm thrilled you don't still need me for every thing.
but remember how every day when you walk the block to your walking group
you turn around the whole way there to wave at me one more time?
and how as you are running across the street you scream back to me
"i love you more than space!"
perhaps you don't miss me,
but i know you love me.
and that's what means the most to me.
even when you stop waving to me the whole way to school
(i know you eventually will stop that)
please just replace it with something that still says
"i love you."

i will always love you,
mom

ganny, this one's for you

dear ganny,
remember how we were talking today about will hiding under the kitchen sink cabinet
and how we couldn't find him even after calling for him over and over?
well, he must have something with hiding in cabinets.
i found him again today in one.
this time it happened to be in the cabinet ABOVE our oven.
he didn't cover his tracks well enough.
there was a chair left under the cabinet.
is this the look you were expecting on his face?

love,

me & will

ps... don't you love maggie's hand reaching up? she was trying to reach the knob so she could get in. not quite tall enough, but i think she is learning a thing or 2 from her brothers.

i'm smiling on the inside

pete & i have spent the last 5 years trying to figure out how we wanted to allow media into our home.
neither one of us are opposed to tv, video games, or internet.
we actually believe that they are some of the best tools of this generation.
however, it was very clear to both of us that media is over used and not always as a tool.
that is what we had been noticing in our home too much over the last year.
we've tried a combination of lots of things...
on days/off days, time limits, etc,
but none of those combinations were working like we needed.
the kids just wanted to be plugged in ALL THE TIME!
it was turning into a huge emotional issue for me.
we were losing childhood play all day long by them wanting media on demand constantly.
we concluded that the media exposure in our home was too much too fast,
at least for our children and family.
it was not happening like the 'good ole days' when we would watch a few shows after school or on saturday mornings.
those were our only choices really because we were bound to the schedule of public programming.
with 1000s of options at our fingertips at any given time of the day with netflix it had become a constant battle,
so we canceled netflix
and have not regretted it for a day.
not even the children.
it almost seems their childhoods are thanking us.
they play ALL THE TIME now,
and when they are tired there is normally a pbs kids show on or we enjoy a good movie or play a few video games together.
once they are re-charged they are off again.
the media battle has gone away.
i couldn't be more grateful or relieved.
it has even been an improvement for pete & me.
we spend our evenings talking or reading now instead of plugged in.
i'm smiling on the inside for all of those reasons,
but i'm smiling even bigger because of the things i have witnessed over the last 2 weeks.
my top 3 things that have me smiling big time...

1. Going to the $ theater and enjoying 'the odd life of timothy green' together. that night media felt like a tool for us. we were together, we were out, and we were enjoying something touching & uplifting that has provided much conversation since and made a memory.

2. Will has been exploring a whole new world throughout his days at home. yesterday he got up from his rest and went to the freezer and pulled the ice maker tray out. he said he just needed to see how it works. i was able to show him, and he was rather impressed. then we filled up the sink with all the extra ice and hot water to see how long it would take to melt. that led us to the ice cube, salt, and string experiment. fun times. he also takes a rest almost every day now because he still needs one, and now he is not distracted from it. his favorite places to rest are on the couch with me, in a relaxing bath, or under his bed. :)

3. the other 'smile on the inside' moments are watching the games they come up with. my favorite was will setting up a carnival all over the house for maggie. it included a carousel ride, block toss, car racing, and running races; all complete with prizes.

these are the types of things that i believe that childhood is made of.
perhaps we were the only family losing these types of experiences to media,
but even if we were the only ones,
we weren't willing to keep making that sacrifice.
we did something about it,
we are getting the results we had hoped for,
and that's why i'm smiling on the inside.

the silver lining

i'm feeling much better than yesterday,
much more like myself,
and i have remembered why having the foot i do is really not THAT big of a deal.
i particularly remembered last night when i put on my sorrel boots.
the silver lining is the quality shoes i get to wear.
they may not be high heels,
but they do always come from nordstrom.
it's not because i'm rich.
it's because when you have to buy 2 sizes of shoes every time it is cheaper (or at least equal to famous footwear, etc) to buy there because they sell you the sizes you need for the regular price of 1 pair.
there's always a silver lining if you look for it.