Monday, December 17, 2012

a bad send off

it was hard to send sam off to school today,
especially after everything that happened on friday in connecticut.
sam is the same age as some of the children who died.
trying to imagine what that scene would have been like with my child in the midst of it was totally unbearable.
i know i am mourning with a world of people.
i know that it hits each of us in a very unique way.
the hardest part is knowing that all the mourning in the world won't bring those children back,
and it won't ever take away the pain of those families,
and all the mourning in the world won't prevent something like this happening again,
maybe in our own community,
and maybe not.
that's not the fear i'm living with though.
i fear the most if i'm teaching my children what they need to be taught about safety, responsibility,
compassion, and sympathy.
i especially feared that this morning.
i briefly mentioned it to sam so he would be prepared or informed if it was brought up today at school.
it didn't go well on either one of our parts.
sam was very insensitive,
and i reacted with insensitivity to what his age appropriate mind can understand.
i fear that a major teaching opportunity was lost.
i didn't handle it how i imagined i would.
i could tell sam was hurt and/or confused.
as he was leaving for school he said
"the mornings around here keep getting worse."
that knocked the air out of me.
i surely didn't want to send him off feeling like that on a day that has the potential to be heavy.
of course i tried to smooth it over,
but i sobbed the whole way i watched him walk the block to his walking group.
i sobbed because i made a mistake.
i sobbed because he was hurt.
i sobbed because i couldn't send him off this morning with what he needs.
i sobbed because he will get better comfort from his teachers & peers today than i could offer.
i sobbed for those children who left for school just like sam and never came back.
i sobbed for their families who didn't know their children would never come home.
i especially sobbed for the mothers who may have sent their children off on a bad note like this and that was their last experience with their child.
i sobbed because i feel so sad even though i still have my children here,
but maybe i sobbed because i know their childhood won't last forever.
i sobbed because i have felt so good lately,
and now i just feel like sobbing.
i'm hoping the heaviness won't last around here today.


Ganny said...

Yep!!! that is the way it is. There will always be anxiety, fear, regrets, but also fulfillment, happiness, and futures.

Vanderlinden Clan said...

ganny, i needed that last part of your comment more than i have needed something in a long time. i know every time i look at my children what i really see is that they are happy, and they all 3 are equipped to do some wonderful things in their futures. thank you!

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