burn out

perhaps i'm tired.

perhaps i'm out of good ideas.

perhaps i have no patience.

or perhaps being a mother to 3 kids under the age of 5 is hard work.

what has been making it exceptionally hard is my lack of personal space.

sam ALWAYS has to be around me.

he doesn't want to do anything by himself,

including playing.

he doesn't play.

he follows me around all day asking what we should do now.

i never even want to start anything that needs to be done because he is always there.

now will is starting to copy him,

until he realizes it's far more fun to do his own thing,

like PLAY.

i used to love this,

all the time together.

perhaps i will miss it when it all ends,

or perhaps i will like it again when i feel like a person again.

i'm really not that fun to be around,

and i'm definitely out of ideas of how to entertain them when they are under my feet

and out of ideas on how to redirect them.

i hate to admit it,

but it has felt like a burden.

this burden has grown into frustration.

and then into guilt.

and then tonight it has grown into a new appreciation.

i have spent the last hour re-reading old posts from this time last year,

and it gave me a new perspective,

a reminder.

my boys love me,

and sam in particular shows that through his time & gestures.

i read so many things about them bringing me flowers, cooking with me, snuggling with me, and many kind stories and words.

i was touched by how much i used to relish that.

shame a little on me for becoming so burned out by the excessive attention and affection.

it was just the reminder i needed to soften to it now.

however, there still needs to be some realistic boundaries.

i love my sister's idea of creating a personal space for everyone in the family and teaching how to respect that space when someone needs to go there for a break.

perhaps it could work.

i'm willing to give it a try.

i think i know just where my space is going to be...

my bed.

i always feel less overwhelmed by this issue when i'm not tired.

perhaps i could sleep it off.

and they could play. :)

or more likely crawl in bed with me.

and in the end what does it really matter.

i just hope they always like me.

and that they can learn to still like me even though they aren't following my every move.