i wish(ed) i was that mom

maggie and i had our morning walk to the park,
a park i've been taking my children to for almost 9 years.
we hadn't been there long when the kind of mom that triggers me every time showed up.
she was pulling her 2 daughters in a red radio flyer wagon with padded seats, seatbelts, and a sunshade.
she had on her casual attire,
white t-shirt, blue skinny jeans, and floral flats.
the lack of a fat roll showing through her white t-shirt made her look anything but casual.
her oldest daughter was in a white and yellow sundress with white leggings,
complete with 2 perfect pig tail braids with the white bows above them.
the youngest daughter had on a floral sundress with silver moccasins.
after she sprayed every inch of their exposed skin with sunscreen,
she assisted the girls down the slide playing "chugga chugga choochoo".
after that it was the cheese stick snack pulled out of the (insert any designer name that i don't know) cooler bag.
i watched her,
not because i judged her,
or thought there was anything unpleasing about what she was doing,
but because i've spent so much time wishing i was her.
i wanted to be the mom that cared so much about the safety and comfort of my children that i would buckle them into that luxurious wagon,
but i didn't think i could really get that wagon.
i wanted to care about the safety and comfort of my children that i would patch their delicate skin with sunscreen every time we left the house,
but i always bought the lotion sunscreen and it was hardly worth the application.
i wanted to care about the comfort of my children so much that i always wanted to bring snacks to the park,
but i never knew what kind of snack to bring that would be just right for my little child.
i wanted to care about the development of my child so much that i would teach them all the age appropriate development games like "chugga chugga choochoo" on the slide,
but the games never occurred to me.
i wanted to be a size 4 and look terrific in a white t-shirt and skinny jeans,
but i never was.
and those damn white hair bows.
i never wanted my daughter to be without them.
i spent this day resurrecting that mom that lived inside me not many years ago.
i was wishing again,
perhaps with even more fervor,
that i could be that mom.
be her once before i stop bringing my babies to the park.
that wishing ruined my day,
and made me realize that it's time to put that well meaning mother inside me to rest.
once she knows she doesn't have to wish for anything anymore
she might see how much she has always cared about her children.
she has cared about them so much that she bought the traditional metal radio flyer wagon.
it was the one that her son could fit in with his dad and soar down the hill at speeds only necessary to evoke loud screaming and laughter.
she even still cares about their safety and comfort because her daughter is wearing the batman helmet of her brother as she rides the 3rd generation blue bike that her daughter insists on having even though this mother would rather her have a white bike with a banana seat.
she might also know that she cared about their skin enough to let the sun kiss it and leave its mark as evidence that they were there, playing in the sun, drinking vitamin D.
she might also know that she cared about the comfort of her children so much that she has fed them 3 meals every day so that they might not have excessive hunger,
and she might also smile because she knows that her kids don't even like cheese for a snack.
she might also know that she has cared deeply about their development.
she has cared so much she abides by all the rules of every made up game that her children have ever suggested.
she has cared because she plays spider tag on the playground.

a 7 year old's day

today will had a party.
he has been counting down since about march.
he wanted kol & luk, emi & mack, ben & amber, owen, cedric, patrick & norah to be there.
they all came except kol & luk, emi & mack, ben & amber, and owen.
he went to get air... a trampoline park.
it seemed almost as fun as he thought it would be.
i think he was pleased with his chosen avenger's theme.
last week it was a helicopter theme,
but as invitations went out he changed it.
avengers it was.
that meant he got a cool captain america cake that pete & i made.
he liked it,
but reminded me after that he only likes plain chocolate cake with no icing.
the avengers party  meant he also got a captain america t-shirt & shield.
he told the others that even though it was an avenger's party it was ok they didn't bring avenger's stuff.
they brought him an airplane, hippie ball, dice game, ninja stuffed animal, kendama, baskin robbins card,
and maggie & sam made a big twin size pillowcase like bag to play in.
by the end of the day i think he realized the day was about celebrating him,
not the avengers.
perhaps it was obvious when we took him out for his annual 7/11 free slurpee and special mustache straw,
or the bike ride down to grassy area to play tag and pick apricots on the way home,
or the dinner request of wild rice, chicken on a bone, and his own bowl of shrimp,
or the fact he didn't have to do any daily jobs today.
(let it be known he is always willing and never minds unloading dishwasher or taking out garbages but never wants to vacuum the rug.)
or the baby slideshow of him,
or the tradition of measuring him on the wall.
the reminder that i hope he remembers most is when we all made a wish for him before blowing out our dinner candles.
maggie said she wished he would keep playing with her all the time.
sam wished that will could learn to dance better.
i wished that if he ever had a chance to eat a polka-dotted hippo that he would do it.
and i also wished that he could find a new thing that he loves to do and do it as often as he can.
pete wished he could get a girlfriend.
then he wished he would continue to get more courageous.
our main wish for him is that we get many more years to have parties with him.

we love you, will!

everyone has a mother

tonight we had an apollo burger for dinner.
it wasn't crowded at all.
we could see everyone in the restaurant,
which made one patron more noticeable.
he was a 40 something-ish man,
and it was obvious he had schizophrenia +.
i made an attempt to not stare when he had his head down in his food,
or when he was throwing pastrami at the ceiling,
or as he was conversing with himself about something that didn't exist anywhere except in his mind.
when i was observing him i had to glance past all 3 of my children to see him.
my big, tender heart just couldn't help it,
but i started imagining how many years ago he could have been sitting at a table with his own mother playing I spy in a restaurant or showing off how he can make cross-eyed faces while wiggling his ears.
perhaps his mother knew way back then what her son's future would be like,
maybe she didn't.
i know nothing about what kind of mother he had when he was 4, 6, or 8,
but i know he had one.
we all have one.
i can't predict what my own precious children's lives will be like along another 35 years,
but however it ends up,
it won't ever change that they will always be my child
and i their mother.
every year around mother's day i manage to get a spontaneous heart tapping experience that reminds me of the unique privilege it is to provide life for another human.
tonight it was the man at apollo burger,
the man who has a mother,
no matter what.

life

i have a fulfilling life,
but it is not exotic.
or super exciting.
not even extra stimulating
and certainly not as educated as i had hoped.
i can also safely say there is a deficiency of fanfare going on over here, too.
but there are plenty of moments i value and hope to always remember.
like tonight.
will loves playing the game of life.
it tends to be a preferred after dinner event for him.
he was quickly assembling the board on the front room rug as soon as he took his last bite.
we all found our way there tonight before any of the dinner mess had been attended to.
it was a typical game,
except i somehow got stuck with the yellow car instead of my preferred white car.
it was also atypical because will decided he would get married this game.
he said he would just marry me.
of course sam was mumbling about how that would never work because then i wouldn't be married to dad.
but mostly it was typical.
sam was the only one who took the long route to college.
i still don't know why he does it because we all end up picking 3 career cards and just choosing the one we want.
i guess it's because he insists on choosing 3 salary cards since he went to college.
he somehow almost always ends up with 90,000 or 100,000.
if he doesn't, he trades salary cards the first chance he gets.
and he is the only one who collects paydays and life tiles.
and he is the only one concerned about following the rules.
he also did his victory dance when he got the police officer,
and he always collects money from the bank if someone spins a 10.
in his usual fashion, will was just interested in spinning the wheel and trying to get to the end.
if he spun a low number he always spins again no matter how loud sam is yelling that it's not fair.
he never cares what space he is on,
unless it involves having children,
and then he protests.
his favorite stop to make is to buy a house.
he always wants to keep picking until he gets the tudor.
he likes it because we all start calling him "scooter the tooter!"
he thinks it's funny.
he also loves to hold the house cards for everyone else to choose.
he tries to stack it for everyone by holding up the card he wants them to pick.
he always holds the beach house card up for me.
sam yells that it's not fair,
so will always holds up the split level card for sam.
sam falls for it almost every time.
and then throws a fit about having to live in the split level.
(i think he actually likes the attention of us teasing him about it.)
he wants to choose again,
but we all say "you get what you get"
and the game goes on.
maggie did her usual.
she hung around watching and occasionally asking when it was her turn and where her car went.
then she fills her car full of people and plays her own game.
until she decides to get everyone a snack.
tonight it was grapes.
she washed them in the bag in the bathtub.
then she carried the bag to the rug, leaking water.
then she got everyone a little bowl and picked grapes off the stem for us.
i did my usual involvement,
wondering what the rules were going to be this time.
i inwardly applaud myself for going with the flow and not forcing them to play how it is "supposed" to be played.
and i watch pete.
he never seems to quite know what is going on
or how the kids ever learned to play this game so loosey goosey.
the kids just tell him what to do,
and he does it.
will always gets to the end first.
he makes certain of that.
no one cares though.
we all know we keep playing until everyone gets there,
and sam would rather be collecting money than parking it.
will is just glad he gets to end up at the mansion because he is certain it has a swimming pool.
once he finishes with his own little game of make believe in retirement,
he is off.
he doesn't stick around.
no one really does except for me and sam.
sam does because he has to count all his money including life tiles to see if he won.
(he always wins. remember, no one else collects money.)
i stay because i like to be the one to clean the game up.
it must be done in an orderly way to make the set up of the next game easy.
the nice part is that if we play on a friday sam always says fridays are massage night.
so he gives us back rubs when the game is over,
with lotion if we want it.
pete wants it every time,
and i pretty much never do.
sam takes it serious,
just like he is a professional.
every time he finds a bone on my back he says
"oh, i found a rough spot. i better loosen this up.",
and he rubs until he says it feels loose.

i think about nights like this even when i'm not living one.
my life may be missing a bit of the glamour i had hoped it would have,
but i have life.
and i can count on its simple pleasures and routines.
it makes me happier in ways that i never knew i needed.
i may one day find myself landing on a space that adds something to what i already have,
but for now this is the game of life i want to be playing.
i like it,
especially when i'm in the white car. :)

it's hopeless

st. patrick's day is surprisingly my children's favorite holiday.
the thought of catching a real leprechaun in our house and the possibility of keeping it tops any gift from santa or candy from the easter bunny or money from the tooth fairy.
their traps get more elaborate each year.
sam went with a green house design,
complete with 2 green chimneys, a slide entrance, three cups for trapping, and a note indicating there was chocolate inside.

will went with more of a rainbow castle theme,

complete with an enticing rainbow, lego ladder, and a leprechaun friend for enticing.

and maggie went with a creative catch anything theme.

it included a knife for injuring the leprechaun, a pot of gold next to the cup traps, a piggy bank full of pennies and chocolate. 

the upside down stool was housing the paper gold coins complete with a red roof and underneath rainbow to look at while trapped.

in the final stage of construction maggie came to me in tears.

she couldn't get the roof to stay on with just tape.

she said to me "this is hopeless!"

(big words come out of this girl).

once we restored the hopeless project,

the kids were off to bed, 

and i continued the annual festivities which included star foot prints throughout the house, swiping all the chocolate and pennies left and replacing them with chocolate gold coins, and green glitter in the toilet.

i thought it would also be tricky this year to put glitter on the children's faces.

you know, so they would think the leprechaun had been in their beds.

despite pete's warnings that sam had just barely stopped stirring,

i proceeded to wet their faces and sprinkle glitter. .

then we went to bed with every thing set and in order for a morning leprechaun hunt.

when morning came, sam was just not into it.

he proclaimed that he caught me last night.

he told me he felt me wet his forehead and sprinkle glitter on him.

BUSTED.

i tried to think quick.

i asked where the glitter was then and why i would just do it to him,

so he showed me the glitter in his bed and the others'.

i wasn't sure how to handle it,

so i just said i would let him think what he wanted about his idea.

i could tell he was processing it all morning.

"this is hopeless!"

i said to myself.

hopeless to keep these traditions of fake people up forever.

hopeless.

the magic was dying.

or so i thought.

we then had a major turn of events.

i reached for the package of unopened thin mints to put in the lunches.

there was a small hole and two of the cookies were nibbled on,

not big nibbles,

but nibbles just the size of a leprechaun (or something similar.)

i called the kids in and asked who did.

no one confessed.

sam had a revitalization of his belief;

he was certain a leprechaun had done it. 

mad search pursued.

with no luck of finding one,

sam decided to put the nibbled cookies by his trap,

all of us hide downstairs,

and wait for the leprechaun to strike and get caught. 

the next part of the story is hopeless.

i am hopelessly trying to convince everyone i know of what happened next.

had i not seen this with my own eyes,

i NEVER would have believed it.

a few important details...

pete was at work,

our cat was outside,

i was the very last one to leave the site of the trap,

and i did NOTHING.

so, after about 2 minutes of waiting 

we hurried back up to check the trap.

i kid you not,

a bigger bite had been taken out of each cookie!!

i thought the kids were going to lose their minds with excitement,

and i almost lost my mind in disbelief.

it was as plain day.

2 bites.

gone.

i can't say i believe in leprechauns,

but something bit those cookies.

there weren't even any crumbs.

do you believe in leprechauns??

energy of the universe trying to keep the magic alive over here?

an unidentified mouse that knew to take a gigantic bite of a cookie on cue??

anything??

are we hopeless??

i'm glad they are mine

i occasionally have glimpses into how my life really is.
i love these little glimpses.
i glimpsed tonight when sam pulled out a crumpled post it note from his pocket.
he had written the name of an "awesome" app that he was begging me to download on my phone.
Merriam Webster.
that is what he had scribbled.
i smiled.
i told him yes.
after he couldn't fall asleep because of the excitement of me installing it,
i can safely say it has been installed.
all ready for this "awesome" boy who i had the privilege of glimpsing tonight.

it all soaks in

i'm writing this post for a few reasons...
1. to air my disdain for the inappropriate/unnecessary images children are bombarded with even in "age appropriate" venues
2. to remind myself of the parenting joy that comes by talking openly with your children about important or sensitive things
3. to remember how Will has always had a quick wit

my boys have limited time playing video games on the computer.
it's a far cry from my favorite thing for them to be doing with their time;
let me not digress.
there is a website that they use where lots of games are available.
for the most part they are somewhat strategic and problem solving;
some are just mindless fun but not inappropriate.
except for the ones targeted at girls.
there is this game where it shows a girl in just her underwear standing in somewhat of a provocative pose.
the game is to get her dressed, do her hair, make-up, etc.
NOT a fan of this game,
and my children are not allowed to play it.
last night Will was prancing around in his underwear,
posing like the girl in the picture.
he was telling us all that's how girls act when they are in their underwear.
we chatted about it.
this morning on the walk to school he told me that he couldn't get the picture of the girl out of his mind.
extremely troubling to me.
i know i can't protect and shelter my kids forever,
but i'm not pleased for this image to be available on a children's website.
i took the opportunity to explain that the things that go into our brains stay.
we discussed the importance of putting healthy things in to stay and keeping unhealthy things out.
we were identifying unhealthy things as images or songs or words or games that made us feel uncomfortable, scared, weird, angry, or like being mean.
silence
processing.
then Will said
"well, that lesson is ruined for Sam. he's the meanest brother around."
no one can throw a zinger quite like the little brother.