Monday, April 13, 2015

i wish(ed) i was that mom

maggie and i had our morning walk to the park,
a park i've been taking my children to for almost 9 years.
we hadn't been there long when the kind of mom that triggers me every time showed up.
she was pulling her 2 daughters in a red radio flyer wagon with padded seats, seatbelts, and a sunshade.
she had on her casual attire,
white t-shirt, blue skinny jeans, and floral flats.
the lack of a fat roll showing through her white t-shirt made her look anything but casual.
her oldest daughter was in a white and yellow sundress with white leggings,
complete with 2 perfect pig tail braids with the white bows above them.
the youngest daughter had on a floral sundress with silver moccasins.
after she sprayed every inch of their exposed skin with sunscreen,
she assisted the girls down the slide playing "chugga chugga choochoo".
after that it was the cheese stick snack pulled out of the (insert any designer name that i don't know) cooler bag.
i watched her,
not because i judged her,
or thought there was anything unpleasing about what she was doing,
but because i've spent so much time wishing i was her.
i wanted to be the mom that cared so much about the safety and comfort of my children that i would buckle them into that luxurious wagon,
but i didn't think i could really get that wagon.
i wanted to care about the safety and comfort of my children that i would patch their delicate skin with sunscreen every time we left the house,
but i always bought the lotion sunscreen and it was hardly worth the application.
i wanted to care about the comfort of my children so much that i always wanted to bring snacks to the park,
but i never knew what kind of snack to bring that would be just right for my little child.
i wanted to care about the development of my child so much that i would teach them all the age appropriate development games like "chugga chugga choochoo" on the slide,
but the games never occurred to me.
i wanted to be a size 4 and look terrific in a white t-shirt and skinny jeans,
but i never was.
and those damn white hair bows.
i never wanted my daughter to be without them.
i spent this day resurrecting that mom that lived inside me not many years ago.
i was wishing again,
perhaps with even more fervor,
that i could be that mom.
be her once before i stop bringing my babies to the park.
that wishing ruined my day,
and made me realize that it's time to put that well meaning mother inside me to rest.
once she knows she doesn't have to wish for anything anymore
she might see how much she has always cared about her children.
she has cared about them so much that she bought the traditional metal radio flyer wagon.
it was the one that her son could fit in with his dad and soar down the hill at speeds only necessary to evoke loud screaming and laughter.
she even still cares about their safety and comfort because her daughter is wearing the batman helmet of her brother as she rides the 3rd generation blue bike that her daughter insists on having even though this mother would rather her have a white bike with a banana seat.
she might also know that she cared about their skin enough to let the sun kiss it and leave its mark as evidence that they were there, playing in the sun, drinking vitamin D.
she might also know that she cared about the comfort of her children so much that she has fed them 3 meals every day so that they might not have excessive hunger,
and she might also smile because she knows that her kids don't even like cheese for a snack.
she might also know that she has cared deeply about their development.
she has cared so much she abides by all the rules of every made up game that her children have ever suggested.
she has cared because she plays spider tag on the playground.

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