Friday, November 20, 2015

give this moment what it deserves

give this moment what it deserves.
what is this moment?
and what does it deserve?
this is the moment where i feel devastated about not getting the house on london road.
i'm devastated because i wanted the house and the yard,
but i'm also devastated because i didn't listen to what was inside of me.
i had a normal dose of insecurity,
fearing i would miss our grass, or planting tomatoes, or having the perfect place for my zebra rug.
it was all normal.
i'm mourning the knee jerk reaction to which i called all off,
instead of taking a deep breath and letting me move cautiously forward.
it's the all or thinking mindset that i need to stop living with.
it's also having the confidence to know that i can have things in my heart.
i can have dreams.
i can want things.
i can want a change,
and i can not just plan on improving a lot by painting, decorating, and moving.
i don't have to just let cleaning my house everyday and decluttering be enough.
i can make grown up decisions about smart investments.
i can be that person.
i can look fear in the face calmly and say
"what are you trying to tell me?"
"I don't have to give into you."
it's something more though.
it's letting my things matter
and not letting other people decide what matters for me.
it's standing my ground in a way that is born out of love for myself
yet knowing how to show respect for others.
it's letting a little disruption in
and experiencing something new even when it feels hard.
it's a little bit of mourning too.
mourning that i thought i was such a strong person who was living the intents of my heart.
it's admitting that i really am just a little girl who is trying to grow up.
and it's finding out a way to let that little girl grow up.
this is also a moment where i can stay connected to pete and not just keep pushing him away because i feel like he is always crushing my dreams.
it's figuring out how i can pull him into my dreams and show him why they are important and not backing down just because he never changes, has plans, or moves.
it's knowing how i can still move when he doesn't.
it's always choosing love,
even when i want to choose abandonment and punishment.
it's trying to feel what love feels like.
it's getting out of bed and remembering that i was pleased with my life
and i felt so fortunate for one of the few convictions that i had about the most important thing being my family
and knowing that i'm happy because i like what is on the inside of me.
it's not forgetting the conviction i also had that my life will be wonderful regardless of what house i live in.
but it's not remembering that by making my feelings and loss over that house invalid.
it's being able to say
"i'm sad, and i can be sad, but i won't let the sadness steal anything from me."
this moment asks me to remember to not stop being who i am.
to know that my ideas are valuable,
to know that i am smart,
and my ideas deserve to be heard even when pete is afraid of them.
it wants me to remember to move slowly when i feel afraid or nervous,
to honor anxiety but not to let it control me,
but instead be able to say
"i know you are there. i know it feels scary, but this is just a feeling. i am strong, and i will take care of us."
it also wants me to know that i don't always have to move slow.
i can act quickly when moved upon by conviction.
stop doubting myself.
and let all this yucky feeling go,
stop making myself think about it.
focus on thanksgiving,
play uno or checkers with my kids.
do what i want to do.
stop believing that everything just magically works out.
we have to work our own lives out.

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