strong and capable

from my earliest memories i have always had a strong spirit, not the "in your face" kind of strong, domineering spirit. i was always shy and still kind of am, so i don't know that others would've even suspected that about me. the inner strength always manifest itself to me in very personal and private ways, like not being afraid when facing certain situations that young children don't normally have to be faced with and being able to be a leader to those who needed leading and protecting in those particular instances. another example was around the time i was 7 years old. i had to have the 1st of a few corrective surgeries. i was afraid as any young child would be, but i vividly remember the closer they wheeled me to the operating room the stronger i became. i continually reminded myself to be strong and brave. even as they placed an anesthesia mask over my face the comforting thought was that i was strong and that i could do that.

as i got older i picked up a few insecurities. i didn't forget that i was strong, but it felt as if that quality was slowing being overtaken by insecurities. i still had many strong and capable moments, but it's certainly not the characteristic that i associated myself with anymore. then i married pete. i feel like i let that strength get lost even more because he was so strong; i could depend on him for so much strength. i got so used to depending on him for strength that i forgot that i was once so strong.

then pete had his cardiac arrest. within the first 12 hours i cried to everyone that i couldn't do this without him. i said 100 times "i can't do this. i can't do this without him." after i had convinced myself that i couldn't do life without pete, i had a very personal manifestation of the strong and capable trait that i had long forgotten. a loving Heavenly Father reminded me in a very direct way that He sent me to this earth to be strong and capable and that i still possessed that strength. the very clear message was that i could do this. i needed to do this. i had the encouragement that i needed to go forward and be the person i was sent here to be, strong and capable. i had overwhelming certainty that no matter what pete's outcome was that i could do it. my phrase changed from "i can't do this without him" to "i don't want to do this without him." that was a much more sustaining attitude.

i'm still grateful all day every day that i got pete back exactly how he was before and that i don't have to do this life without him. i'm almost equally as grateful for the renewed sense of strength that i have. i will not allow life to take away my strength and capability anymore. in all things i plan to just go forth and be the person i was sent here to be here, strong and capable.