friday night didn't go well. i felt panic. as soon as i laid down i felt exactly like i did in the instant that i woke the night of the incident. every sound of that night was ringing in my ear. i felt like i couldn't keep pete close enough to me the whole night; every time i woke in the night i was squeezing his arm. every time i woke in the night i was afraid he wasn't there. when i was asleep i had the re-occurring dream about pete & i choosing to die together. i was very afraid in my dream that if i chose to die with him i would give up too much of what i still had left here, but i knew i didn't want to go without him. i was afraid it would hurt to die, and i kept begging him to remember how it felt to be dying. i was afraid asleep, and i was afraid awake. friday night didn't go well.
saturday night came, and i was afraid to try to it again. i did enjoy re-uniting with the groove my body had carved out over the last 3 years that i was willing to try it again. it was better. the sounds weren't ringing quite as loud, and the scary images only played in my mind until i fell asleep. i think saturday night was the 1st night since this incident that i didn't wake up more than twice, and his breathing sounded normal every time i woke. i felt rested. and more normal.
now sunday is here, and i think i need to keep it going. pete is not thrilled about the switch back; not because he is afraid but because he was hopeful he had finally seized his desired side of the bed. one added benefit of switching back is that the boys haven't figured it out yet. they still climb in on pete's side where they think i am sleeping, so now pete is getting squeezed to the middle. that is probably the safest place for him to be even if he is squished; he won't be rolling out either side now. THANK GOODNESS!!
5 comments:
that's funny friday was the night I decided to sleep in my bed again thursday night was nightmare night for me
I will pray for you tonight that you would have a peace that surpasses all understanding.
I see, you come up with this dramatic story to concrete your way to that side of the bed. :) Your side of the bed is so much more comfy! Plus it's farther away from the closet where shoes are often spilling out. I know what you are going to say to that though, "their your shoes". And all I would have to say to that is "no comment".
Enjoy these last few months of all of you fitting in the bed together. Once number three comes along the nighttime nest gets a little too cozy for comfort!
I know how those sleepless/panicky nights can be. PTSD can be a crazy ride. Give yourself lots of TLC and patience. It's part of the recovery process.
Pretty soon your sweet baby will be keeping you up at night so try to rest as much as you can. Little girls are magical! She might just be what the dr ordered.
i have found your blog from reading charlie coopers' blog. I have been there with the recurring panic. My son was born with a rare heart defect and underwent open heart reconstruction at only 15 days old. I started to re-live everything, once the stress had passed and we returned home after 31 days in the icu. I understand your panic and for me it was called post-traumatic stress syndrome. I found that about 6 months of counsiling helped a lot. I still have some issues around anniversaries, but much better. good luck!
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