run ragged

it has been an extremely draining week. the adjustment to going back to doing most of the work around here on mine own is starting to catch up to me. my kids must be able to tell that i'm a little ragged, and they are running wild with it. they have been a bit out of control... fighting, tattling, not listening, climbing the walls, and having melt downs of all melt downs. i wish i could say that i've stepped up to the plate and handled it all well with a loving and creative attitude; i'm ashamed to admit i've had a few meltdowns of my own. i guess it's no surprise where my children learn that??? the plain truth is that i'm just too tired to know what to do, to stay as calm as i should. the part that has been the hardest is the whole new level of guilt that comes when you know personally how temporary this life can be; i just don't want to find myself wasting these moments with my children.

i'm recommitted to doing better tomorrow. i know i won't be perfect like i always hope, but i will settle for better.

my valentine

valentine's day has never been a favorite of mine, and it still isn't; i think it's all a little forced and cheesy. however, i have spent a lot more time this weekend thinking about love, what it means, and how it feels. the love i have with pete has been on a whole different level since his incident, and that's more of what i was thinking about. i know our love didn't begin with his incident, and i know it won't end here either.

the first night pete was in the hospital was by far the most critical; i think most of us believed he would not live. that night we had a General Authority from our church come to administer a blessing to him. i was hoping for a blessing that would promise he would be healed; that's what i thought i needed and wanted the very most. that was not the blessing he got, and i ended up getting something much more far lasting than that. before the blessing was administered the General Authority spoke with me about the feeling he got by being in that room, and he said that he could sense an overwhelming love affair between me and pete. he offered the most tender insight about what was happening between me and pete at that time. he reassured me that he was certain that the only pain pete was feeling was pain for me and for my heartache at the thought of not having him anymore; he believed that pain for me far outweighed any physical pain that he was feeling. as i looked at my lifeless husband hooked up to every form of life support, i was certain he was right. it was more of a sense, something i could just feel. all 8 1/2 years of our marriage filled my mind, and i was very aware of how pete has spent our marriage loving me and being concerned about me before himself. i was convinced in those moments that pete was fighting a fight for me, not for himself.

since pete has been awake from the first time, i have felt his love and sense of victory that he did this for me. there are no words to express my gratitude for him fighting that fight for me, for us. nor are there words that i know to explain the depth of our "new" relationship. even in our new trials with each other, i am reassured that our concern is about each other, and that will sustain us. i am relieved to know that this love affair won't end with death; i will cherish every lifetime that i get to spend with him.

it wasn't funny at the time

will decided to put a bucket on his head today. it wasn't funny at the time because it was really stuck. of course pete wasn't home. it was a job i couldn't do on my own because he was fighting me so hard. i had to call my neighbor. thankfully she pulled while i held, and we managed to get it off. the instant it was off the tears stopped. will smiled/laughed and said "SCARY!", and perhaps he was a little correct.

a pretty typical day

you can tell that things are about as great as they used to be when you are still in your jammies at 10:00, disassembling all the couches in the house to build the best play land ever.

don't lose the perspective

pete's first week back to work was successful. i am grateful for that. while he was back at work and i home with the boys trying to get on a new routine i realized that this is my chance to create whatever kind of new habits i want in our family. i can put back exactly what i want back into our lives and leave behind the old ways that weren't working so well. i have spent time pondering what kind of life is most important to us now and how to execute that life on a daily basis. then i got a reminder of what is most important for us to remember.

i got an email from a friend with a link to someone's blog who is currently going through a horrible tragedy with many similar events, treatments, and feelings that we experienced 2 months ago. check out their story here.

i haven't been able to stop thinking about their experience. it has been such a painful reminder that this earth life is full of tragedy and heartache; it is happening all around us and sometimes in the lives of those we know, but mostly it happens all around us without us even knowing. we can get so caught up in our lives, our petty trials or our own happiness that it's so easy to forget that others are hurting and suffering. i know we can't do something for everyone who feels pain or who suffers, but it seems important to not forget others and to do whatever we can.

so, as i've thought about how to rebuild our new lives, habits, and routines i want to be sure that as many of our routines as possible somehow include a way to help others lift their burdens or ease their pains. i am reminded that the only thing we all have is our humanness, and i believe we must all use the gift of our humanness to do something, find a way to help someone. it's what we're all here for, right???

blanket winner

thanks to you who left links and memories with me; i know there were many more that left posts that didn't comment, but please email me if you are willing to share the link with me.

the random generator selected roxey as the winner of the quilt. thanks, rox, for all you did during that time and for all you continue to do. i love you!

i look forward to be back to normal posting this week. :) it truly feels like a door is closed and time to open another one.

one chapter ends, another begins

today was pete's first day back to work. i was excited for him and overwhelmed that we were getting this chance again. however, i must admit that i was really sad while he was gone; he has been such a pleasant addition to our days around here. it dawned on me that all my wishing in the world wasn't going to re-create the life we have had the last 1 1/2 months of being together non-stop nor was that how it should be. i have realized that a chapter of our lives closed today and another one is beginning. it has certainly felt like an emotional goodbye; because our outcome was so positive i can say with certainty that this experience has been one of the best of my life. nothing has ever changed me so quickly and deeply. i'm certain our new chapter will be full of new joys, disappointments, and trials, and in many ways i'm eager to start this new phase. however, i am not the best with transitions, so i would like a goodbye that feels worthy of closure. i invite you all to be a part of this closure, and here is how i would like to have you do that...

over the next few months i plan on compiling a book for our family documenting this whole event; it will include all the details of pete's incident, posts and comments from this blog, and thoughts and experiences that others have felt and shared. i want it all in one place so that we can recall with exactness for many years to come how this event felt. many of you have made heartwarming posts on your own blogs about pete's incident or about your feelings; i have read many, and i hope to be able to gather all the links so they are easy to access. i would like permission to include these posts in the book. i would also like to include any experience, feeling, or memory that you may have had even if you didn't post it on your blog.

if you would like to participate and are willing to share such thoughts, this is what i would like you to do. please leave a comment; if you are new to blogging and don't know how to do that, it's really simple. click on the 'comments' link at the bottom at this post, and comment box will open. if you don't have an account to sign in with, then just click the 'anonymous' box and post that way. type your comment in the box, enter the word verification, and click the 'publish comment' button. this is what i would like for you to include in your comment:

1. your name

2. how you know us or how you found out about pete's incident

3. the link to your blog post that was about pete; please leave the direct link to the post and not just the link to your blog. if you are unsure how to do this, then go to your blog archives and find the post you are wanting to link to. click on it to open and then copy the url and paste it into the comment.

4. any thought, emotion, insight, etc. that you would not mind sharing and including in our family book.

here's an example:

my name is jennifer. i know pete because i am his lucky wife. i posted about this event on my blog. the link is http://vanderlindenclan.blogspot.com/2009/11/i-can-do-hard-things.html or here. i have many kinds of memories about this event, but one of the funniest memories i have is of pete watching the movie Born Identity in the hospital and being certain it was the british version. i've laughed a lot about that.

as a way of saying thank you for your support during the incident and as a bribe to gather as much information as possible i am offering a gift to one lucky supporter. i have been working on a quilt (the one posted here) since pete has been home, kind of like a therapy quilt. i have decided to give that away to a random commenter on this post. i will use a random generator to select that person and post the winner on sunday. if you really love the quilt and would like more chances to win it, then i will enter your name twice if you are willing to do one more thing for me. if you make a post on your blog or facebook linking to this post, then i will enter you a second time. the reason this would be helpful is because many who read our blog initially through your blog may not be reading ours anymore but may have thoughts to share. if you decide to do this, then leave a second comment with the link to this post that you make.

please help me with this undertaking; i want our story to be as complete as possible. if you have more you would like to share with me, then you can email me at jenvanderlinden@gmail.com. just as a reminder you have until sunday night at 9:00 mst to make your comment to be entered for the prize, but you can comment on this post for the next 6 months if you want to and that would be fine with me; you just won't have a chance to win the quilt.

thank you all for being a part of this.