Monday, August 3, 2009

i was that girl again

i went to a foot specialist today for some chronic heel pain stemming from a foot defect that i was born with.
i wondered as i the doctor and i were discussing the details of the defect and treatment when i became old enough to deal with this on my own without my mom being in charge.
i had emotional memories rushing back of appointments at shriners hospital;
my mom and the doctor were always the ones doing the discussing.
it must've appeared i was never listening,
but i always was.
it's my foot after-all, and i've always known how it has functioned better than any doctor has ever been able to explain.
i live with it. i feel it. i know it.
the doctor today gave me 5 options.
wear a brace,
shorten the achilles tendon 2-3 more inches,
fuse the ankle,
reconnect the tendons & ligaments to a new muscle on the front of my leg,
wear an orthotic and replace it often the rest of my life (just like i'm already doing).
wear a brace again?
i couldn't believe that i would ever have to do that again.
i don't want people to look at me and pete together and think
"that poor man is married to a handicap girl." or
"those poor kids have a handicap mom."
i'm not handicap.
i have a special foot.
a special foot that i couldn't imagine altering forever by fusing it.
i would lose my freaky trick of being able to bend it back almost all the way to my leg.
i would lose the special foot i came into this world with
exactly like i was supposed to.
i don't want the heel pain anymore.
i don't even want to limp anymore.
but i don't want to unnecessarily alter the way i was intended to walk this earth.
i guess i will give the brace a try.
i'm not handicap though,
and for that i'm lucky and thankful.


Heidi said...

Jen you are so good! Way to keep a good and balanced attitude through all of that. All things teach us our special lessons in this life and it is wonderful how you are "blooming" with all that you've been given and planted around. Thanks for sharing the optimism and good luck my strong friend!

Ganny said...

shed a few tears after reading your post. Just added more to the river I have already filled. Love ganny

Ryan and Amy Harvey said...

I didn't think about you not being able to do your "trick", I might actually be in favor of that as it kind of freaks me out. I know that you will figure out the best route to take and even though at times it is sad and painful you do a great job keeping everything in perspective.

sarah jane said...

You do have a wonderful attitude about life. You do a lot of active things and never complain about the pain you most be having in your foot.
One more thing, how come I have never see the special trick?? I feel neglected... just kidding

Arin and Troy said...

You sound exactly the same way I felt about having Stockton's surgery. Even though fixing his head would make life easier for him, I still felt like I was altering who he was supposed to be. But I guess I really didnt, i only made him healthier. I think you should do whatever it is the make the pain better because I am sure it will only get worse as you get older. you dont want to be miserable, do you? Try the brace. If it doesnt work, move on to plan B, whatever that might be. :)

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