a bit of a repeat

certain thing pop into your head when you think are about to lose your husband. i think i had the privilege of remembering every kind thing pete ever said or did for me over the last 10 years of our relationship. in our day to day life those things may not have as much meaning or may not stick as much. i remember his 1st night in the hospital being so grateful he had started a blog. i've loved everything he has written, and i knew it would be a treasure for me and our boys forever if we lost him. however, the post i knew i would really be grateful for was one he wrote about me. i wanted to read it that night, but i wasn't ready to go there at that time. however, i was ready tonight. after reading it again, i realized it was more of a treasure than i had originally thought. so as a permanent reminder of how our love affair was such an important piece of this crazy puzzle i want the post here.

Our Marriage

This post would better fit around the time of our anniversary but since it is on my mind you 3 are the benefactors of my thoughts. When I met Jen right away I knew she was the "one"! But let me tell you I fought it. I didn't want to become another local social trend by getting married faster tan I can learn my fiance's dad's name. A few weeks after we I was fishing up Farmington Canyon and I got an overwhelming feeling that I was to marry her. Being the stubborn resistor (resistor is my slang for when a person is pushed to do something they push back) that I am I refused for a whole year. That place in the canyon has always been special to me. It is actually the place we had our wedding invitation picture taken. Anyways, Jen and I are so different bus so alike at the same time. She wants things done now I want people to get off my back. She wants to talk about everything, I let the thoughts in my head take care of my communicating need. Yada yada yada you get the point. During the time we have been married we have had only one fight. I think Jen was pushing me to the edge just to see if she could. It is an unspoken law that we don't talk about that night. I find it funny where she needs someone to accommodate her idiosyncrasies I am accommodating. When I am pestering her relentlessly she puts up with it. She is one of the few people that gets my humor/personality, everyone else gets offended or feels sorry for Jen because I am being "rude". (Which is very much not true; I am too guilt ridden to be rude). I had only a few girlfriends before I met Jen and I thought I knew what love felt like. I have even naively uttered the phrase, "I love you." I mean no disrespect at all to these women. They have all grown into being very different (from each other) but outstanding women. At the time what i felt was the strongest feeling of love that I had felt up to that point. It was real. I think a lot of people would be kidding themselves if they said that at the time of their marriage their feelings were much stronger than this. At the time what I felt for Jen was a few levels above how I felt in the past. However, I was amazingly pulled to her and non other. I'll explain the level system later; it is one of the many inside jokes that Jen and I have that other people would think are stupid. Now we have been married for several years and the feelings that I feel are completely different than the time of "I do". The first time I got a glimpse of what I feel now was on my mission. We were living in a family's attic of whom the father was going through medical residency. This translates to he's gone 23.75 hours of the 24 hour day. On one occasion in her yard the mom of the family was exclaiming how she missed her husband. In her eyes I saw it...love. It was at this moment I realized I had no idea what love was like. I tried to explain my thoughts to my companion but all I got was a "whatever dude". Now I can say I understand that look in her eyes. I feel it now. It is the kind of feeling that a world without Jen doesn't exists. Whenever she is gone overnight I sleep on her side of the bed, this makes the absence a little less.....empty. I come home as quick as I get my work done so I can look into her big beautiful blue eyes and see in her eyes my feelings reciprocated. I look forward to many years of this feeling growing deeper until we are old and wrinkly.

i echo what i commented on his blog at that time, and i feel it even more now than i ever have:

so that's what has been going on up in that head of yours! what a relief to know! thanks for a beautiful tribute and thanks for the permanent smile that put on my face. you are my world, too, and there's no other world I would rather live in. i love you. :)