just believe

i have some anxiety.
there, i said it.
not about everything,
and one big thing in particular.
motherhood.
the anxiety doesn't come from not loving it.
it comes from loving it so much that i don't want to mess it up,
not even in the least little bit.
i think about motherhood ALL THE TIME!
guaranteed more than i think about anything else.
at any given time there's a stack of parenting books on my nightstand.
so much anxiety i can't even read one and finish it.
instead i try to read them all at once and get my brain so overloaded and my heart racing so fast that i blow the whole mothering thing out the window and get nothing.
i just want to be a good mom.
i want happy, peaceful, content, & confident children.
i want it so much that sometimes i don't even see that i have that.
i worry so much about getting it right that i struggle enjoying it when it is here,
happening right in front of me.
don't get me wrong,
i know we all love our children
and want to be good moms,
but i'm certain my level is entering the disorder stage.
it is troubling to me.
very, very troubling.
i know somewhere beyond my textbook knowledge of parenting,
and the racing heart that distracts me,
and my overall insecurity with my mothering skills,
there is a really strong sense of how to just do what suits my family.
i get muddled though.
ALL THE TIME.
tonight there was a moment of clarity.
sam was laying in bed talking to me about his soccer game tomorrow.
they don't have what you would call a winning team,
but sam is a natural & they have fun,
except for nights like this when sam says he wishes they could score more than 1 goal.
i found myself teaching him that he has to just believe he can do it
and then he will.
i gave him an example
(a silly one, but one he related to)
about playing the game of life the other day.
it was my turn to draw my house card.
i always want the beach house.
i truly believed i would draw it,
so much so i said it out loud.
sam & will were in total disbelief when that was the card i really drew.
i wasn't.
i truly believed that would be my card,
almost like i willed it so.
ok, kind of random.
as i was relaying the "just believe" message to sam through this example,
he said "oh, i get it! you don't really have to be good at something, you just have to believe you are good."
almost.
i told him you get good by believing you are good.
his whole demeanor changed.
he said "then i believe we will score 100 goals tomorrow."
(that lesson was expounded on with realistic expectations. kind of. :) )
then i got it, too.
i don't always have to be a good mom (aka perfect mom),
i just have to believe that i am.
that belief will do more good for me than anything i could read in a book.
thank you, sam,
and thank you me.