christmas conflict

i have a conflict with christmas.
receiving gifts has always made me feel extremely uncomfortable,
and i hate buying my kids things just so they have more stuff,
and i hate having them molded into people who expect things as a token of love.
i haven't found how to put our signature on this holiday,
balancing and enacting our own beliefs and priorities,
but every year i find little nuggets that help me find peace in it all.
this year it was this thought:

"My general belief is that in some regards, children need so much less than what they’ve become accustomed to getting. And that in other regards, they need so much more. The things that kids need less of can be bought, and that makes them relatively easy to procure. Meanwhile, the things they need more of cannot be purchased at any price because, in fact, they are free. Ironically, this makes them even harder to come by."
                                                                                                      Ben Hewitt

personal translation:
less stuff under the tree,
more time enjoying the stuff together that finds it way there.

bloom where you are planted

i am a wanderer by nature.
a nomad perhaps.
i am in love with places i have never seen,
and i am in love with people i have never met.
for those reasons alone i find it unbearable to stop in one place.
the thought of settling in ONE place FOREVER,
no matter how endearing the place,
is enough to drive me mad.
i began my first excursion almost 15 years ago.
and i'm still here.
can hardly admit that i haven't even wandered far within this place.
about 3-4 years ago i began to be strangled by this reality.
almost suffocated to death to be exact.
part of my soul began shriveling up.
i was beginning to lose a part of myself i deeply valued.
a friend unknowingly threw me a line as i was rapidly sinking to a bottom that i did not know.
"bloom where you are planted."
that is what she said.
the message echoed in my mind constantly.
bloom where you are planted.
bloom where you are planted.
i am not one to take a personal development challenge lightly.
i decided that somehow i would bloom even though i could feel nothing but shriveling.
so, my first step was to make a pillow.
i could have made anything;
i just needed a constant, visual reminder.
i stared at that pillow often,
hoping it would whisper a formula that could help me bloom.
or better yet just make me bloom.
all the staring didn't change me,
but i did begin to come up with a strategy that did.
embrace.
that was all i was going to do.
there were things that brought me here in the first place that i had neglected to remember.
i had exhausted those reasons,
and i no longer longed for the things that brought me here.
but i was here,
to my dismay or not,
so i was going to bloom by finding new things to embrace.
that is exactly what i did.
i found things to love.
i stretched.
i met new people.
i connected with people in a way i had not expected to do here.
i took up new interests.
i got involved in sam's school.
i started seeing my mountains differently.
i began to be present in my job, my family, and my life.
i abandoned the parts of this place that were beginning to exhaust me.
and, i began to bloom.
i blossomed.
i stopped focusing so much on the places i longed to be,
and i just stayed rooted here.
that was my only real choice considering my circumstances.
a couple of years have passed.
i have since made a pillow for my friend who gave me the advice.
she was moving to new york city and was afraid about blooming there.
i eventually stopped salivating at her opportunity,
and i can say i bloomed.
i got rid of my pillow today.
as you can clearly see it has been well used.
i have gone through many seasons of blooming, withering, and blooming again.
perhaps i'm even withering a bit now.
i know the blossom will inevitably come again.
i'm just hoping i have the chance to bloom on the coast someday or bloom in countries far from the only one i've ever known,
and i wouldn't complain about a blossom on the east coast either.
sigh.

all in a day's work

when i say work i'm not referring to the 8:30 am-8:30 pm haircutting schedule i had today.
and i'm not talking about the emotional and physical work out of getting a child to school.
nor am i referring to having to doctor my baby's bloody foot while i worked.
i'm talking about killing a rat.
in the midst of the previous workday i just described,
i had to kill a rat.
a big rat.
a rat that was in my back yard,
a rat that my six year old son was holding captive with a set of post hole diggers.
that's the rat i killed.
it would have been nice if our kitty would have killed it.
she is the one who tipped us off to it.
she was taunting sam's 5 ft deep x 1.5 foot wide hole that he dug in our back yard.
i had a feeling what was down there.
however, i was guessing a little mouse,
not a big daddy rat!
will, maggie, and i squirmed and gawked a bit,
then i came in to do a haircut.
a few minutes later will came in with a chunk of cheese.
he wanted to feed it to the rat,
but he wanted me to come with him for fear the rat would jump out.
in an attempt to convince him the hole was too big for the rat to jump out,
i promised him that if the rat jumped out i would give him $100.
what he heard was "if the rat gets out of the hole, then my my mom will give me $100."
3 minutes later maggie came in with news that will had the rat out of the hole.
she is NOT a storyteller,
so i ran immediately to the back yard.
there will was, clamping the rat between the post setters.
i thought "GREAT! what am i going to do with this rat!?"
i didn't think to drop him back into the hole until pete got home.
instead i thought to grab the shovel on the ground,
tell will to let it go,
and then i smacked the rat to death with the shovel.
i killed a rat.
all will could think to say was
"so, when do i get my $100."

one year older and wiser too

another year down for sam.
he has been counting for this day for at least 1 month.
the anticipation of a day for him is just too much.
i have begun to wonder what the coveted part of the day is for him.
for most children it very well could be the gifts.
i'm pretty certain that's not the case for sam.
his heartfelt and thoughtful approach to gifts this year is a true representation of the person he is turning into.
a few weeks ago pete asked sam to name anything he really wanted for his birthday,
no matter the cost or size of the item.
he thought for a minute,
and this was his sincere reply:
"i can't think of anything. i have everything i could ever want or need."
and that tone has remained.
he was still encouraged to make a list for grandparents, etc. whose preference was a list.
he struggled coming up with one,
but after much contemplation he made one.
the items on his list were equally telling of how satisfied he is.

a puzzle (100 pieces, not less and not more than 200)
plain legos
new shin guards
soccer warm-up suit
clothes like jeans or socks
pillow
soccer jammies
soccer hat
toothbrush
hooded towel
rainbow bracelet kit
movie ticket
lunch box
Leonardo museum ticket
electric guitar

he is a child who takes his satisfaction in relationships and activities,
not so much things.
he doesn't need much,
mostly his mother will do just fine for hair twirling, wrestling, or talking.
he also likes a notebook and pen for constant doodling and writing.
he looks forward to time with friends,
especially if soccer is involved.
for much of his spare time soccer is his thing...
dribbling around the yard, taking shots on me or blocking mine, playing one on one with me.
his time rarely contains a thing.
he is growing into a boy with a strong sense of who he is and what makes him happy.
he was born a miniature grown-up,
and with each passing year that becomes more apparent.
i adore his adult-like ways,
and i love it when he's just my little boy.
happy birthday, sam.

software programmer

for the sake of this post, let's pretend i know something about computer programming.
(note: i know nothing.)
i may not know much about computer programming,
but i feel like i'm learning a thing or two about child programming.
i know that what kids are told at this age is what they believe.
it becomes what shapes their world down the road, too,
so i want to make certain it's not corrupted code.
i know i want to be the one writing their initial software code,
and i want it to be full of love and objectivity.
i know that i won't be the one controlling what gets written later in their life,
nor do i want to be totally responsible for that,
but right now i don't want the initial code to be written by friends, neighbors down the street, church teachers, media, or anyone else.
i want it to be written by moi, me, the mother,
the person who has given constant thought since their conception on what feels best for them combined with all the love and hope a mother has.
i mean that,
and i've never worked harder to write a better code.
however, on a lighter note to illustrate that i have written code,
i have a funny story.
this morning will was complaining about not wanting to go to church and crying about why he has to go.
i generally just try to explain that it's a family tradition that we honor in our family,
but this morning sam gave a better explanation than me.
in a loving, teaching older brother kind of way sam said:
"it's just part of the sunday daily job. it's one of the first things first for sundays."
cha ching.
that proved that the "first things first" and the "daily job" code has been successfully installed even if it didn't perfectly apply to explaining why we had to go to church.
it registered with will though.
he speaks that language, too.
perhaps i know more about programming than i initially gave myself credit for.

remember

i was remembering will's birth and the surrounding events.
it had been such a hot summer,
perhaps the hottest i can remember!
our street was being worked on for a few weeks,
and we had to park about a block from our house a few days before he was born because they had laid fresh, new asphalt.
those were hot walks with a big belly,
carrying a heavy 20 month old.
miserable really.
the night before he was born i found myself on norma's back patio with my swollen feet up trying to relax.
i told her i just did not feel right
and how it felt impossible to make it 6 more weeks for my baby's delivery.
the next night i had a major nesting craving.
the last bit of painting in the nursery was the bead board.
i stayed up til midnight painting it.
i was hot, exhausted, and relieved to have it done.
after a quick shower i collapsed into bed.
after half an hour of sleep sam crawled into bed next to me.
within minutes i was getting wet from a warm liquid.
i was certain sam was peeing on me.
i moved him,
and it wasn't him.
i couldn't believe that i would be peeing my pants!
i got up for the bathroom.
after sitting i realized i wasn't peeing at all.
my water broke,
and it was gushing into the toilet.
i called for pete,
and then i called for the phone.
i called norma.
through tears i told her what was happening.
i sobbed about what i was going to do.
she calmly reassured me that i was going to go to the hospital and have a baby.
that's exactly what i did.

in the past few days leading up to will's birth date,
i have remembered many things about his arrival to earth.
just as i haven't forgotten that time,
i hope to not forget this time either.
i want to remember...
our family daily thanks tonight was about will.
i was thankful that he is so easy to please.
pete was thankful that he's always happy.
sam was thankful to have him to play with.
(maggie was asleep)
i also want to remember how after our candlelit dinner we all got to make a wish for will before he blew out all the candles.
i wished he will not feel afraid for kindergarten and that he will find happiness there.
pete wished he could find many things in life that he loves.
sam wished he could have all the wishes he wanted.

i want to remember how it feels to have him in our family,
exactly right now.
he may get worked up a lot when sam gets near him or touches him,
but he would always choose to have sam around.
he loves to help me cook, especially if it involves cracking eggs or turning the blender on high.
i want to remember how much he loves cats, especially smokey lala
and how he didn't give up on begging for one and how the new hasn't worn off for him.
i want to remember how he loves to take you on a bike ride,
and he always starts the ride by saying "just follow me.".
we often end up in the woods by mill street.
i will remember how he was born to ride bikes,
but how he also hates going up the hill by the library and he even cries about it sometimes and wants to take a lot of breaks and begs for the bike trailer.
i want to remember watching him teach himself to rollerblade,
but how he still wants you to hold his hand while he crosses the street on his skates.
i will remember how he could care less about money.
if he has it, he wants to spend it.
he could care less about working to earn money,
but he has offered to pay sam if he will do his daily jobs for him.
he is generous,
not just with money but with everything.
i will remember that mischievous smile he has every time he is telling a story or a little lie,
or how sometimes he won't even mess with the smile and will just tell you it was a story.
i will remember he says it likes it is if he's not feeling too shy,
like telling you that you are bothering him if you are.
i will remember how much you like screen times and how you prefer to just use them first thing in the morning.
your game choice is friv and mario.
whenever you want to play you say "i just want to show you this cool game on friv.",
but you don't really want to show me, you just want me to get you logged on.
i will remember how you never mind doing garbages for your daily job,
and you are equally good at vacuuming the rug.
i will remember that he always says his best friends are emi, mackey, stockton, logan, and kol & luk.
i will remember that those are the only people he cared about coming to his birthday party at get air and at 7-11 for free slurpees.
i will remember all he wanted for his birthday was a remote control car,
and he is a pro at driving it.
i will remember waking sam up in the middle of the night because he loves to put the balloon wall around will's bed for his birthday and get everything (the presents and the beattles birthday song) set just right for will's special morning and seeing will be so pleased with it.
i will remember that he is 3 inches taller today than he was last year, measuring in at 48 inches and 48 lbs (82nd percentile for height).
i will remember that he has grown so much since the beginning and that he is still growing.
he is growing through some anxious moments with a mom and dad who will always love and support him.
i will remember that he is about to go off into the world of school soon but how grateful i am that we had an extra year with him at home,
and how pleasant he has been for each of these years.
i will remember you, will, just the way you are.

get a move on

i have 2 types of children.
stallers and non-stallers.
will is not a staller.
maggie and sam are stallers,
big time stallers.
sam a bit more than maggie,
but he has been alive longer and had more practice.
she gives him a run though.
it makes me crazy.
sam will decide to organize something before he gets out the door or gets in bed.
(anyone know where that comes from???)
maggie gets engrossed in a book just before bed or has 213 tricks to show you before she gets out of the car.
bless will.
he may NEVER know where his shoes are,
but he gets in the car the 1st time you tell him, and he doesnt stop before he gets there.
he even gets ready for bed,
start to finish in about 6 minutes.
if sam & maggie would follow suit i might actually get more than 45 minutes to myself at night.
it wears me out just thinking about bedtime tomorrow with those 2!