new names

the hardest part of being sam's mother is that nothing gets past him.

if i'm having a good day,

he notices.

if i'm not on top of my game he notices.

so his comment today did not come as a surprise.

as we were on a walk this evening he informed me that he was going to change everyone's name.

he was changing will's name to "bully brother".

the reason:

will told sam that he couldn't jump off the curb on his scooter.

he changed maggie's name to "precious maggie".

that hit the nail on the head.

he changed pete's name to "time dad".

the reason:

he said dad is always telling him to hurry up and setting the timer for him to do things.

here's the kicker name.

he named me "changing mom".

the reason:

he said i'm always changing from nice mom to mad mom to normal mom to angry mom.

WOW!

before i cried (i didn't really cry; i just wondered if i should) i asked which mom he liked best.

he said he liked all of them,

he just likes me changing.

WOW!

that's not what i expected him to say,

but what a relief!

the kid likes the variety i guess.

i guess he called that;

i'm not always on top of my game,

but i'm learning that just comes with territory. :)

the black hole

we have a black hole around our house.

some pretty important things get sucked in there.

like $100 bills and the only two sets of van keys that we own.

oh, and the toilet paper spring rod from our main bathroom.

if anyone can crack the code, please let me know.

or if anyone can spare a couple $100 dollars to replace the missing $100 and pay the $100 fee to have a key made from our ignition and then $200 more to get 2 replacement electronic keys,

then simply just email me and i'll get you my contact info. :)

just a phase

have you ever noticed as a parent how quickly a phase comes and how inevitably it is ushered out by a new one?

sometimes it's hard to let a phase go,

and other times you can't chase a phase away quick enough.

i'm not going to lie,

there are parts about this phase right now that i'm not enjoying.

better yet, there are parts that are down right hard!

like taking your screaming, crying child to preschool 2 times a week,

not only is that not hard enough, i have to listen to the 5-year-old expletives all the way there.

i'm trying desperately to grow from this experience

and more importantly to keep it all in perspective.

admittedly, that does not always come easy for me.

however, if i've learned anything as a mother it is that time moves forward and phases end.

in the meantime, i hope that i can embrace the things about this phase of my life that i wish i could hold onto forever,

like...

having a 5 year old that wants to lay with me every night and talk about everything on his mind,

or a 3 year old who loves to climb on me and kiss me

or how every time i asks him if he knows i love him he says "i do!"

or a baby who never stops smiling or nuzzling my shoulder.

there are some wonderful things,

but man, will i be glad when sam masters the separation lesson!

i recently re-read this quote,

and it reminds me to not wish too much away.

"Enjoy your toddler! Although it may seem at times that they will never grow up, they always do. The long, seemingly endless days will gradually be replaced by days with not enough hours in them. Children who once needed you for everything will need you less and less, and the days of leisurely walks, playdough and afternoon naps will be a warm and fuzzy memory. My hope is that both you and your child will have many happy hours of playing, growing, and learning together."

life

maggie is 7 months today.

hard to believe!

the celebration of her life is just the beginning of life celebration this month.

her birth brought the cycle of life full circle for our family.

when we almost lost pete 1 year ago,

i was so grateful that i was pregnant with her;

she was a piece of pete's life that i would still have even in his absence.

in those days of despair and uncertainty,

i tasted the tremendous amount of pain one might feel with a loss of that magnitude,

but with maggie's birth the feelings of potential loss were replaced by the goodness of life.

with the 1st anniversary of pete's incident quickly approaching,

it is life that i want to remember,

not loss,

not pain.

thank you, maggie, for bringing life back to our family.

5 years ago today

5 years ago today my journey as a mother officially began.

5 years later i am equally as grateful for the special spirit that has been sent to me.

sam, i appreciate the confidence you have always had in me;

the admiration has been nice, too.

thank you for all you have done to stretch & mold me into a mother.

happy birthday, my bright shooting star.

as good as it gets

i was alone tonight.

i finished working early,

and pete had taken the kids to the pool.

my house was quiet,

and not the kind of quiet i like.

i missed my kids,

i missed their sounds,

their requests,

and mostly just their presence.

i was overwhelmed with what a privilege it is to be their mother.

as i thought of their devoted love & interest to me,

it dawned on me that this stage of life i'm in is certainly as good as it is going to get.

if i can't be happy with this wonderful life,

then i'm afraid i will never be happy.

and i am happy.

perhaps happier than ever.

state the facts

some days i get overwhelmed.

then i get frazzled.

then i can't even remember what's what.

it's then i try to slow down

and just repeat the facts....

my name is jennifer vanderlinden.

i am 31 years old.

i am a mother.

i am not a perfect mother,

despite how hard i try.

i am a perfectionist,

and i don't want to be anymore.