Hard Realization

Today was probably the toughest yet. (mentally) All until now I thought" yea I went through a little scare but I will be back." Today I went to a therapist that ran though a gamut of cognitive test.On the way to the therapist I started thinking, "this little episode is going to leave me permanently damaged." I mean, I have a mechanical device to help me stay alive that is connected to my heart. My brain went without a fresh flow of oxygen for 7 minutes. I can't remember a whole week of my life. Yesterday is a little fuzzy and I am afraid that tomorrow it will be gone and today will be a little fuzzy. "How could this happen to me!" I am the guy that runs ultra marathons. I am the guy the works out everyday. I am the guy that loves my Friday ride because it challenges me to work harder the next week. I am the guy who......

Words of advice:

If you have ever had a doctor tell you watch your diet, had a family member that has had serious heart problems, felt that something is just not quite right inside.....don't be a know it, arrogant idiot, ignorer of reality, because and one time or another it's better to face reality that your body is broken then to end up.......

Pete

PS. Sorry for this rant it's just been an interesting day

nights are hard

i know there's still a long way to go until i can get in bed at night and start to feel peace instead of fear. last night was long and hard. pete was stirring a lot and mumbling all kinds of things, some things funny like about getting the book about the aerospace museum before we went upstairs and other things a lot more disturbing. he wouldn't keep his arm restrained to his side so he wouldn't disrupt the defibrillator implant; he would wake me up all the time pulling the restraint off. if he happened to not wake me up i would wake up to see his arm above his head which is a MAJOR no no for at least 3 more weeks. that worried me. i was mostly scared that he kept almost rolling out of bed so many times; that's what really scares me and makes me re-live it. i held onto him the whole night hoping and praying that i could keep him there. every time i woke up only 30 minutes had passed. it was a long night to say the least.

another bizarre comfort would come almost every time i woke up. sometimes i would wake up panicked of where the doctors and nurses were. i couldn't believe that i had pete and the boys there alone with only me to take care of them. i would get really freaked out and at times get up and look around for a doctor. in those crazy moments i had an overwhelming insight that our room was full of people from the other side who were administering to pete and strengthening me. hopefully when i wake up again looking for the doctors and nurses i will be reassured with that feeling.

keep reading :)

pete and i still have so many emotions and experiences that we want to share. pete has been overwhelmed and shocked by the amount of traffic we have received on our blogs; he has been deeply touched, too. in his pete kind of way he has used much humor about keeping the readers satisfied. he says i must fulfill my responsibility to the readers until the story is finished being told, so in case you are deleting this link because you think the story is over then think again and stay tuned. and in your own humorous way please reassure pete that i'm putting out enough quality content to keep you coming back for more so he won't lose confidence in my abilities. :)

i won't waste this

as many things have overwhelmed me this week, i am also overwhelmed at how many big and little things have happened over the last 2 years but especially the last 2 weeks that have prepared us for this crisis. mostly they have been little things like pete feeling so insistent about getting cell phones last week and the plan he felt strongly that we needed to sign up for; thank goodness for that- it definitely added convenience to my week. there have been many things that i hope to jot down somewhere, but the most important thing i will share here is not as tangible as all the other things but maybe even more important.

pete and i have always had a fantastic relationship, but i, like any person, found myself getting annoyed with him on occasion for sometimes very unimportant reasons. a lot of times i let it fester and turn it into a much bigger deal, and then i would have a lot of regret, and a lot of hoping that that wouldn't be a time for a tragedy. i had 2 of these instances the day before and the day of that turned it into a major preparation and comfort for this event. it may seem insignificant, but i knew in each of these instances that it was something very personal for me.

the first event was something so silly. we were going to the park, and he left with sam without me and will. he was under the impression that we weren't coming; i should've let it go, but instead i mumbled around about how dare he not check before he left just to be sure. i packed will up and took off after him just getting madder and madder. in that moment i should've been hit over the head with a stick this impression was so strong: "you can waste this moment by being angry or you can seize this moment by letting go." i was stunned and realized how silly i was being; i let it go. the next event was the day of when we were setting up our christmas tree. i was irritated that he didn't spread the branches out better on the tree and that he went downstairs to play a game with the boys without helping me. i found myself getting madder and madder. again it was as if a voice was screaming in my ear: "you can waste this moment by being angry or you can seize this moment by letting go." i let it go again and knew this was too strange and it meant something for me. the exact impression of "you can waste this moment" was the critical part of this experience.

it proved to have a double meaning for me throughout all of this. the moments that i was calling 911 and trying to get his body in the right position for cpr his eyes connected with mine with an intense amount of fear, and in that split second i had the impression again to not waste this moment so i went to work doing exactly what i needed to do. i came home from the ER at 5:30 to check on the boys; during this time i had major impressions that he needed to be moved from the hospital he was at. i kind of stalled around waiting for the boys to wake up so i could see them, but i had that impression again to not waste this moment. because this was an impression that was becoming eerily familiar to me i knew i had to start to acting, so i made all the inspired arrangements to get him out of there as soon as i could. that truly paid off to be one of the most important miracles in all of this. his lung collapsed on the way to the new hospital, and i'm certain the old hospital never would've known. i was also told shortly upon arrival that had i not moved him exactly when i did he would've been dead by dinner that night. the doctors also told me that the best thing that pete had going for him up to that point was that not one second was wasted and had even one of those seconds been different the outcome would have probably been very different. thank goodness for that impression to not waste a moment.

in an even more personal way that impression brought me an overwhelming amount of comfort during that 1st day when the outcome seemed so bleak. i will never forget sitting in the floor in the waiting room telling my friend how grateful i was that i felt peace with how well we had gotten along lately and how grateful that i let the anger go and didn't spend my last moments with him being angry. i would've had regret the rest of my life. for some odd reason that was the only thing that was bringing me peace in those critical moments was knowing that i made the choice to not waste the moment.

i know this is a lesson that will bring me peace and prompting all of my days. as i am relishing in the new depth of our relationship i am making every effort to not waste any moments with him in any form. i have never been so grateful for a God who doesn't waste a moment with us. sometimes we get it and sometimes we miss it, but i have an undeniable certainty that He never wastes moments with us in preparing us to do all things. i feel like i will always be living proof of that.

I'm back

Hello everyone I am happy report I am back! I can't believe the outpouring of love for out family! I wrote a little post on my blog about the ordeal. I am sure Jen will keep everyone up dated what is going on. As I update my blog keep in mind that the communication from brain to my fingers is still a little messed up. It took me 3 hrs to write what little I have. Again thanks for the overwhelming out poor of love.

Pete

http://petevan.blogspot.com/

Long live the super hero

i should let everyone know that we are home as of this afternoon. once again another miracle that is impossible to explain. after our day yesterday i never would have believed this. it was an anxiety-ridden day for me. he met with the occupational therapist last night; that was a much anticipated visit for me. all along i had been waiting for someone to tell me everything, especially that everything would be normal again. i was hopeful this would be the person who could do that. unfortunately that was not the case. she recognized that there was definitely cognitive ability and remarkable thought process, but she was concerned that he was very unaware of his impairments which posed a safety issue. he would require 24 hour supervision. she was discussing short-term inpatient rehab centers for pete to spend a few weeks. perhaps i shouldn't have been discouraged, but i was. i wanted him home, but i didn't feel prepared for this. as i drove home i also started worrying about our financial future. pete only has 13 paid days, and we will have our health insurance for 12 weeks if we continue to pay our portion of the premium. i was worried even though i knew we could manage for a little while, but i didn't know how long that little while would be. no doubt i was afraid. then i had to factor in another new problem. up to that point pete had been awake for 40 hours with not an ounce of sleep. they had been giving him sleeping pills for the last 24 hours to no avail. he just couldn't sleep his brain was so trashed. i was concerned about this because i could tell that what a lot of what he was missing was caused from lack of sleep and just being tired. the nurses started expressing concern and informed me he would not be coming home until sleep was regulated. thankfully last night at midnight he fell asleep and slept for 8 hours. i honestly couldn't believe the difference sleep made! i knew he was so much closer to being fully back when i got a phone call from him this morning telling me he was missing me. he was able to call his mother's number from memory. he did say he couldn't remember if it was hers or mine, but he knew it and that was the big part. we spent the whole morning in evaluations from rehab, speech therapy, ot, cardiology, etc. i know everyone's jaw was on the ground when they saw him. the only conclusion that could be made about fine tuning the edges for him was to do a month of speech therapy. this is not so much that he needs a lot of re-training, etc, but it's intended to be more of an observation period to see when he can go back to work. yes, go back to work, you read that right. they are anticipating after christmas break at this rate. great news, and then we were sent on our way.

i'm no longer anxious about things having him back; he's so normal. actually, i can't believe how much better home feels having him here. he's very excited, too. at this time we are keeping visitors to a very minimum because he needs so much rest right now. i know everyone is dying to talk to him and see it with their own eyes and let them know how much he is loved and supported. there will be plenty of time for that later. you may have an added benefit of hearing from him though. he has been composing a post for his blog. i will update when he has finished it. this journey is not over; i still have many emotions and experiences to share. i want never forget the depth of how this experience has changed me. more to come.

Movie Star

Pete just got out of defibulator surgery and it went very well! He is doing amazing and everyone's spirits are up. He is not only a miracle, and a fighter, but he's a movie star! His film school friend has written a screenplay about him! :)

Jen is asking that no visitors come again today with the exception of family. The best thing you can do for them is continue to send good thoughts and prayers.

On behalf of Jen, thank you for your love and support. As for myself, I can't even believe or comprehend the events of this week. I've never been on a rollercoaster such as this, nor have I ever witnessed such a miracle. I'm honored to have been a small part of it.

Thank you everyone for your comments and support!
Roxey