i almost had it right

i've been giving a lot of attention to adding order my daily routine,

and i must admit that i have been feeling it come together.

this morning i was prancing around on a high...

i had fed my kids a healthy breakfast,

got them dressed,

made beds,

no tv,

got sam to preschool,

worked out,

played with will one on one while maggie was napping,

cleaned the kitchen and front room,

folded a load of laundry,

showered & dressed in cute clothes with hair & make-up,

and a lunch plan ready

all by 11:30 in time to pick sam up from preschool.

i felt good.

i was calm & poised.

i had nailed the morning.

i felt like i was really getting the hang of this life stuff.

just as i was turning the corner to go up the hill to pick sam up,

i realized i really didn't have as much of a clue as i thought.

i quickly spotted a teenage boy up the street on the sidewalk.

he had a very obvious handicap.

he was on permanent crutches and his legs were just dangling as he drug them along.

the hill is rather steep.

he was only able to take 3-4 strides before he had to stop for a break.

as i drove by our eyes met.

they were kind eyes,

successful eyes.

it was in those eyes that i got my reality check.

a simple, yet powerful reminder of where i want my happiness to come from,

and i can assure you it is not from a life of having a perfect routine everyday.

that was my reminder.

happy birthday, sister

30 years ago i got my first sister.

things may have started off a little rocky back then;

apparently i wasn't a fan,

but i'm definitely a fan now.

there's nothing like having a sister like the one i've got.

who else could you have a text series like this with:

my sis: i am happy to come over for craft day and help you get yours ready (silhouettes) that way we are closer to finishing next week or i can stay home and work on my own laundry. i am 50/50 so you make the call.

me: i'm not really in the mood. i'm trying to make adoption arrangements for my oldest children and also trying to find a maid who will work for little.

my sis: lol. sounds like you are having quite the day. i would give you my maid's number but she sucks. do you want to meet for lunch or something?

only a sister.

everyone needs one.

especially one that will make you as happy as my sister makes me.

i must admit that as i have been up late preparing for her party i have felt a lot of emotion for her 30th year.

i am happy she has made it this far,

and i am thrilled for the new road of self-discovery that naturally comes when you are in your 30s.

welcome to the 30-something club!

and happy birthday.

i'm in love

i love love.

and i love all the love that goes around in this house.

i'm pretty sure my children & husband have a pretty good idea of how much this mama loves them.

and i get glimpses often of how much they love me.

like sam's spontaneous hugs and affirmations that he will always love me to the moon,

and will's willingness to turn my less than finer moments into humorous events that we can laugh about.

and maggie.

oh, maggie.

i've never seen a baby reach for me more than this one does.

her eyes and face dance every time she sees me.

i know that little miss loves me.

and i wouldn't dare share all of the secret expressions from pete that show me how much he loves me.

but his desire to always have me in his sight,

even following me room to room just to pick me up or spin me around,

and his traditions that he carries on year after year just because he knows they make me feel so special

are just a few secrets i can give away.

alas, i digress from the intended purpose of this post.

it was nothing more than to claim how much i love love.

and how much i love celebrating it around here all the time,

not just a day out of the year.

but there is something extra special about creating special moments with flowers, shrimp, fancy glasses, and a carbonated bottle of juice.

all the roads

i had a wonderful dream last night.

it was interesting but wonderful.

i must admit that i love dreams.

they seem to tap into emotions that i can't quite get to during a regular day.

and that's exactly what happened last night as i took a walk down memory lane.

i was re-living all the relationships that i have had from late high school into adulthood.

i had gone back in this dream to re-live them with the knowledge that i have now.

the most amazing part was that i didn't want to do any relationship differently.

instead i could see more clearly than i did then how meaningful each one was.

i could see the specific gifts for my personality that i took away from each one.

and it was WONDERFUL!

the best part though?

each of those roads led me to the same spot that i am now...

they all led me to pete.

and that's exactly where i want my road to end.

i appreciate the emotions that i had all along the way though

because in the end i brought those emotions into my relationship,

and it all culminates into a type of depth that i wouldn't have had without them.

what a trip!

i woke this morning clamoring for old photographs and journal entries,

and looking & reading was such a reminder that everything was great even back then.

i've been a pretty lucky girl.

some like it hot...

and apparently some don't like it hot.

we discovered that tonight.

we had fajitas for dinner.

pete diced up a jalapeno for those of us who do like some heat.

namely, just me & him.

will, unsure of what they were, decided to sneak one,

and he just about caught on fire.

i've never seen anything like it!

he was SCREAMING for at least 30 minutes.

we were putting popsicles in his mouth, having him drink milk, suck on candy, rubbing on chapstick, holding him, comforting him, and who knows what else.

i finally put him the tub to get any remnant pepper oil off his skin.

the bath wasn't even doing it for the bath lover.

at one point he screamed: "it's not working! what are we going to do!?"

as i was staring at the red swollen hive around his lips i was starting to wonder the same thing.

brush his teeth.

that's what i thought of.

and it worked.

he even had me hold the tooth-pasted brush on his upper lip until the pain stopped.

i'll remember that for next time.

wait.

except i don't think there will be a next time for will.

i'm certain he is traumatized for life.

calm, accommodating, feisty, intense

i have a best friend from high school.

her name is emily.

we started college together, too.

during those defining college days of trying to understand the person that we were molding into,

we often played the adjective game.

we would give each other a specific adjective that described the most dominant trait that we saw in each other.

my favorite and most often adjective that she would use for me was "nice".

i must admit that at times i really wanted something more descriptive or more earth shattering.

however, now i just wish someone would use "nice" to describe me again.

during times since those days i have begged my sister and husband to play that game with me when i'm feeling a little lost in who i really am.

this last round of the game i'm still thinking about.

my sister's adjective for me was "feisty".

WHAT!?!

FEISTY?

like meaning aggressive, argumentative, confrontational, quarrelsome, discordant, warlike?

or full of nervous energy?

i'm still trying to decide exactly what she meant.

she reassured me that it wasn't a negative thing.

perhaps she meant something different than "feisty".

maybe she meant an adjective like the one pete used.

INTENSE.

i wasn't so sure that this was that much better!

i really began questioning who i have become!

how did i go from "nice" to "feisty and intense"!?!

i refused to internalize these adjectives in a negative way.

i dropped feisty right out of my mind and moved onto to thinking about what it means to be intense.

1. of an extreme kind; very great, as in strength, keenness,severity

2. having a characteristic quality in a high degree

3. exhibiting a high degree of some quality or action

4.having or showing great strength, strong feeling, or tension,as a person,

5. susceptible to strong emotion; emotional

now who can argue that this is such a bad thing?

i've been known to have strong emotions about a lot of things.

but i would rather have strong emotions than weak or mediocre ones.

especially for the people in my life, the activities i enjoy, and the desires of my heart.

and i've been known to have great strength on many occasions.

remember my husband did almost die from a cardiac arrest and i didn't panic & saved his life, just for starters.

oh, and i have some qualities at a very high degree...

like my desire to get things right.

and i've learned to recognize a lot of my strengths... physical, mental, and emotional,

and admittedly some of them could be categorized as an extreme kind.

while i am not "calm" like i described my sister

or "accommodating" like i described pete,

i am not ashamed to be "intense",

at least when it's intense about positive things.

i love that so many adjectives can be added to who we and the not so flattering adjectives can be dropped.

i'm hoping to take my intensity and add new adjectives.

the adjective that i'm working on for this year is FUN.

who can argue with INTENSE FUN? :)