a double whammy

thank goodness for the comment last night from suzie.

it got me researching about thrush.

it sounded like exactly what we were experiencing.

the pain got worse throughout the night.

i went to the doctor today.

i was hit with a double whammy...

mastitis and thrush.

no wonder i was/am dying.

i'm not going to quit nursing,

but it is BRUTAL for the time being.

so if you see me crying,

just know it's from the pain.

i am on antibiotics and an ointment to kill the yeast on me and in maggie's mouth.

we are hoping for a quick recovery now that we have it figured out and a solution.

i'm grateful for all the help and support with my boys during crazy times like this.

i must say though that it's a great source of mom guilt for me.

i want to be the kind of mom who is involved in their games, their meals, and their time.

i don't want to ever miss anything.

i feel like whenever i turn them over to someone else i'm not doing my part.

i feel guilty not doing it all all the time.

crazy i know, but still my source of mom guilt.

pete's mom will have them tomorrow so i can recover some.

i'm going to focus on just resting and being grateful i can with no extra demands.

days like this

do you ever read people's blogs and feel like their lives are perfect?

they are the perfect mother and they do everything right and everything just works out for them?

there are a few blogs like that that i read.

i hope my blog doesn't come across that way ever.

we have a lot of great days and some not so great days.

today was one of the not so great ones.

just to prove it, here's what's happening.

i thought i was the breastfeeding pro, but it's not going so well the last week.

let's just say i'm sitting here with a breast infection and bloody nipples while pete is feeding her a bottle.

i can't stand to be touched because it hurts so bad.

that makes it hard when you're the human jungle gym for a 4 and 2 year old.

i've yelled at them a lot today,

saying things like please get off of me and go on.

those aren't things i like to say, and i can't bear the hurt and confusion they have when i say that to them.

equally as bad i can't stand the thought of not being able to feed my own baby.

i'd like to think i have a pretty high pain tolerance, but the cracked, bloody, infected nipples are producing a type of pain that i am on the verge of not being able to endure.

i can't bear that thought,

the thought of possibly not being able to feed my baby.

see, not every day is a great day around here.

i don't want to miss a thing

i'm attempting these posts again just because the day to day moments around here are the things i don't want to forget.

sam: he is such a good big brother! sam & will went to a bday party together today. i got a positive report about how sam watched out for will the whole time and made sure he was always with him. that's the kind of brothers i had hoped they would be. i see a lot more of that at home now, too. i hope it is how they always will be.

will: he drives us crazy at dinner. he no longer sits in a high chair. but he should because he will not stay in his chair. he takes one bite and then is up wondering around the kitchen playing with whatever he can find, singing, and ignoring our requests to sit down. we have a rule that you can eat at the table or go play in your room. he chooses the play in your room option regularly.

maggie: you didn't love the car today. you woke up starving and screaming. it was so sad for so long i finally had to pull over to feed you. it was just what you needed because you went right back to sleep without another peep.

4/20

sam: we were outside watering the strawberries next to a broken window in our house. it broke a few days ago when the boys were out there playing. they insisted they didn't do anything to it. today sam told me that he really needed to tell me something. i was certain it was going to be that they did break the window. he didn't. instead he told me that he REALLY, REALLY wants to marry maggie when he grows up because she is just soooo cute!

will: i opened your blinds today in your room this morning, and you were so amazed. you said "how did you turn that light on!?" i loved watching you soak in the sun.

maggie: your 1st day wearing cloth diapers. so far so good. they are just so cute.

4/21

Sam: you heard about a father/son campout that our church is having in a few weeks. you are soooo excited to go. you keep calling it "man camp". you informed me that you want me to go there all day with you guys but i have to come home at night. because it is "man camp" only boys can sleep there.

Will: today you were holding maggie and she was crying a little. you told her in a sweet voice "don't cry. i'm not batman. i'm your big brother."

Maggie: you have cried a lot today. you act like you have a bad tummy ache. if you are like will, then we can blame it on all the garlic i ate yesterday.

the good, the bad, and the ugly

it's true that the last 3 weeks have been pretty seamless.

today was different though.

i got a taste of what it can be like with 3 kids.

it was one of those days where it seemed like someone was crying at all times.

even maggie.

she decided she would try crying for once.

i'm hoping she doesn't like it tomorrow.

will cried a lot, too.

you know, just the normal things...

tired, not happy about the way sam was playing, and if i left the room.

by about 4:30 i was almost crying, too.

i decided not to.

instead i just decided to sit in the rocking chair,

with everyone on my lap, including will with a naked bottom.

what a privilege.

thankfully will and maggie went to sleep.

that gave me just enough gas to finish the night.

but i am tired now.

i'm off to sleep.

panty party

today was maggie's first day in her new "panties",

and she loves them.

i love them, too.

after much consideration of many factors we have decided to use cloth diapers on maggie.

let me be the first to tell you that cloth diapers are not what they used to be.

no more safety pins and plastic covers.

these are actually so cute that i've hardly been able to keep pants on her all day.

so far so good.

i think we will be happy with our choice.

if you are interested in making the switch, there are many resources out there.

i used diaperjungle for tons of info.

a beautiful child

his personality is exactly like these pictures. he is beautiful and full of it. and we adore him.

whew!

this week is over.

i feel good,

but i am TIRED.

i was recently talking with a friend about how different boys are than girls.

she has mostly girls.

she said boys are just busy and that can be easier than the drama of girls.

there are moments where i really wonder.

my boys have been awfully busy around here.

the pea soup recipe was just one of many incidents.

since then the boys have

busted open glow sticks and spilled them all over the bathroom,

then they decided it would be easier to cut them so they did and spilled them all over the kitchen,

made mud pies on the porch,

they broke the valances off the blinds in their room,

sam constructed an "ax" to chop down his door and put a few small holes in it,

who knows how they chipped the toilet seat on our new toilet 1 year old,

they shredded a few butterflies on maggie's wall and tried to convince me it was their pet toy lizard wallace; he was just sooo hungry,

new art work added to the wall with crayons and pencils,

oh, and they decided maggie's yellow crib needed a little blue color added to it.

these are just a few instances in addition to the normal things...

pouring juice on the floor,

dumping out baskets of toys,

using everything in sight for batman capes,

making couch cushion swimming pools,

dirty hands,

dirty hand smears all over the walls,

the work of sam trying to potty train will,

blanket forts for "woof-woof",

water puddles splashed out of the tub,

and on and on.

yes, perhaps my friend was right.

boys are just busy.

maybe at the end of the day i wish i wasn't so much of a girl

because i just can't always keep up.

now the question,

is miss maggie a wild thing in training?

will she be both emotional and busy?

WHEW!

a really close call

the joy of having maggie has certainly overshadowed the lingering anxieties that pete's incident have caused in me.

however, many moments in the last 2 weeks have been spent trying to process how different this experience would have been without pete.

and how close of a call that truly was.

i still can't imagine how painful it really would've been,

how hard it would've been to do this alone,

how lonely i would've been without him.

every time i have seen the boys smile or laugh or play in the last 2 weeks i have wondered how long it would've been before we could've smiled again.

would they have still have been so happy today at the park if they didn't have a dad?

would maggie be such a mild, peaceful baby if she didn't have a dad?

how different would her life be to have never met the wonderful man who fathered her?

how different we all would be to not walk this road of life with the man we all love so deeply!

it's not important to know how different life would've been;

i just know it would have been.

i'm just still overwhelmed with gratitude that the close call worked out in our favor.

pea soup for dinner

sam and will took charge of dinner tonight.

they made a version of pea soup.

this was their recipe...

it was more of a surprise dinner.

they made it for us while we were spending a few minutes alone, talking.

it has been a pea soup kind of day around here.

pete went back to work today,

and we had some interesting moments.

i think it's safe to say that we are going to need to find a new rhythm.

i think it will get better once maggie feels like a part of the family instead of just an honored house guest.

the boys are loving our house guest.

i'm just not sure that i'm loving their excitement level about her.

pete reminded me tonight that they still need lots of love.

after sending the little chefs to bed at 7:00 i remembered that.

i laid with each one of them a little longer than normal.

sam was all smiles and said "isn't this great, mom!?"

and that part of the day was great.

here's to hoping that tomorrow is a little greater than today.

and here's to hoping we don't have to have pea soup for dinner again.

a little deflated but only a little

i was up for a clothes shopping trip this weekend.

i am so done with maternity clothes,

and i just wanted something that was cute, new, and fresh.

i went to buy some new pants.

the sizing on the kind i like to buy has changed since i bought last.

i asked a clerk to explain the differences so i could be sure what i got fit.

she was explaining to me how this particular pant had been cut a little slimmer.

then her next comment took me off guard.

she said "i would not recommend this cut for you."

i was a little stunned.

i thought HOW RUDE!

i kindly informed her that i had a baby one week ago,

and i left it at that.

i didn't proceed to tell her that i had lost 16 lbs. in one week

or how that is the most i've lost in a week with any of my pregnancies

or about how happy i was that i only had 10 lbs. left to go.

i also didn't tell her how happy i was to have my little baby

or how i would take a pudgy tummy in exchange for miss maggie any day.

i also didn't tell her how happy i was that i wasn't obsessed about what my body looked this time and how relieving that was.

i could've told her that she should be more sensitive to people of all shapes and sizes and given her an example of a nicer way to suggest a different size or cut,

but i didn't.

instead i tucked the lesson away for myself.

we all have the opportunity to lift or hurt others by the way we choose our words.

we also have the opportunity to let things others say hurt us or let them go.

i decided that i will be kinder and more aware of my words

and more aware of my reactions.

needless to say, i didn't get those pants.

i will check back again when i feel like it.

in the meantime i will just be happy that i have some pants that fit.

and happy that i have a soft spot to hold my baby right on my pudgy tummy.

one week ago today

i love where i was this time one week ago.

i love maggie's birth story.

i love that her arrival to earth was as perfect as i could've hoped.

i love that she is here.

i love every second i have held her since.

i love everything about her.

the only thing i don't love is that i can't freeze these moments and make them last forever.

i know it doesn't last forever just like this. i try to convince myself that it will. i had a reality check 2 nights ago, more of like a painful reminder.

will wouldn't stay in his bed. after many exits from his bed pete and i were getting frustrated. i sternly told him to get back in his bed and not get out again. he started crying, like the "my feelings are really hurt" kind of cry, and he turned around and went back to bed and didn't get out again.

i instantly thought back to when he was so new, thought about how perfect it felt to hold that little miracle. i thought at that time, too, that i loved him so much i could never possibly be mad at him. i was certain i could hang onto that tenderness forever. don't get me wrong, of course i love him with a whole new depth than i did then; however, there's a part of newborn that i just don't know how to hold onto forever. it truly slips so quickly away.

now here i am a week into maggie's life thinking she is so precious that i could never be mad, that i could never send her off to her bed alone and crying. i would like to think that will never happen, but i know better. instead of worrying about that now, i plan to just keep soaking up every last drop of newborn that i possibly can, and hopefully i will never forget it.

the missing link

we've obviously always been a family, and it has felt like a family for quite sometime around here. i have to admit though that adding a 3rd child to our family we feel more official than ever. i can't believe how she has already changed the dynamic of everything. thankfully it has been a positive change. we have all expanded how much we love, not just maggie but each other.

these boys have really expanded their capacity to love. i never dreamed how soft they would become. they adore maggie; nothing has ever lit up their faces like she has. she is their favorite part of the day; they hold her constantly. their relationship with each other has changed drastically, too. they seem to play better and longer with each other. they seem more like brothers. now they are brothers with a sister. there is nothing like the power of siblinghood, and that is my greatest wish for these new relationships. i think we are off to a good start.

our easter baby

what a great easter weekend with this baby.

she was the hit of our easter.

we are glad she came.

and we love that she already had an easter dress.

love, love, love

have i mentioned how much i love this baby!?

there's something a little different this time around.

i'm not sure if your capacity to love grows with each child.

perhaps it does.

but for me, i think it's something else.

when sam was born i was so caught up in how to do things "right" or by the book.

like what parenting philosophy was i going to use? and what did the "textbook" say about how to treat a newborn, etc.?

when will was born i was so concerned about his health and spending as much time as i could with him in the nicu.

i was also concerned about finding the right balance with sam during such a stressful time.

this time i feel so free.

so free to just love this new life.

there's no concerns about how to do it "right".

what's right is what feels right to me.

i'm going to hold her as much as i want.

i'm going to feed her as much as she wants.

i'm not worried about parenting techniques this time.

as for the boys, i'm letting them love her as much as they want to.

i am soaking up every smell, sound, and second with this baby.

it passes so, so quickly.

i love, love, love that i don't feel restrained this time around.

and i love, love, love this new baby.

our april fools baby

we had an april fools baby.

literally.

i know it could've seemed like a joke, but it wasn't.

our maggie was born thursday, april 1 at 8:53 pm,

and it was quite the story.

after returning home from instacare with sam around 7:00

i knew we would be going to the hospital,

so i tidied up and got everyone's bag.

we dropped the boys off at pete's mom at 7:30.

we arrived at the hospital at 8:10.

i had been having very painful contractions the whole way to the hospital,

but they never got closer than 4-5 minutes all up until she was born.

they were so painful i cried on a few;

they were far more painful than i remember with the boys.

i was pretty sure i wasn't going to be able to do it without an epidural.

when we got to the desk to check-in i was feeling lots of pressure.

the nurse was concerned and wanted to check me right away.

pete finished checking me in.

the nurse was so anxious she didn't even take all of my clothes off.

she checked me.

she was shocked.

she said i was a 9-10 and completely thinned out.

the only thing holding maggie in was my bag of water.

thankfully my doctor arrived at 8:38,

broke my water,

and caught maggie 15 minutes later.

the total time we were at the hospital before she was born was 43 minutes.

needless to say it was the easiest and shortest delivery for me,

and the fact i was a 9-10 upon arrival helped me to know i could do it without an epidural,

and i didn't have one.

it was all perfect.

maggie is perfect.

and little.

only 6 lb. and 8 oz.

and beautiful.

with a small, perfectly shaped head.

and so peaceful.

she seems to already have such a mild disposition.

she is perfect.

i can't put her down,

and she seems happy about that.

i can't believe how different a girl feels from the beginning.

we are all smitten.

it's time

this is going to make a great story.

i worked today.

except for my last 2 appointments.

they got interrupted because we had to take sam to instacare.

will accidentally bonked him in the nose with a shovel.

it needed stitches.

it was apparently just the thing to send me into labor.

i started having contractions every 8 minutes while there.

they are quickly turning into 4-5 minutes.

needless to say we are getting ready to head out soon.

here's to hoping this car seat will not be empty when we return.

wish us luck!