a small price to pay

i think we have received the last of the insurance statements from pete's week in the hospital. it was a lot of money but not as much as was expected.

the total up to this point is $122,773.32

it's a bit overwhelming to see some of the charges on paper. for instance, the original ambulance ride was listed as "life sustaining"; simply to drive the few miles it did was $475- that didn't include everything else. the ride was $2368.45. it makes me wonder if it costs less if it's not a "life sustaining" ride?

every time i see a charge for a brain ct scan i feel as anxious as i did then waiting the result of brain damage. those ct scans were $2574 a pop.

the daily room charge for the icu was $1180. that's by far the most expensive room we have stayed in!

his defibrillator & procedure was a whopping $55,850. that's pretty cheap insurance for a lifetime of peace of mind and security this won't happen again.

the most shocking charge was the $256 charge by the original icu doctor that shared the bleak news of pete's condition upon arrival. before, i think i would've thought it was ridiculous for a doctor to charge for that consultation. afterall, isn't it just part of their job? i feel differently now. i can't imagine that would be an easy thing to have to tell a young wife that her husband was very sick with a 2-5% survival rate. not an easy thing to have to do. certainly deserves a consultation charge.

$122,773.32. what a small price to pay for life. thankfully we will just be responsible for a small portion of this bill, but i would have paid it all because i got to keep my husband. there's no amount of money that would've been too much to pay to keep the love of my life.

sleeping more soundly

on friday i tried again to sleep on my side of the bed. ever since pete's incident i have slept on his side of the bed. i felt like i needed to be the protector. my brain told me that as long as i was on his side of the bed i could stop him from rolling out again and there would not be another tragedy. i have not enjoyed my time on that side. i love my side of the bed, and i always have. for some reason pete always has, too; he has begged me for that side for about a year ( i have no idea why by the way). he was happy that i have been giving him that privilege. well, i was ready on friday to try again.

friday night didn't go well. i felt panic. as soon as i laid down i felt exactly like i did in the instant that i woke the night of the incident. every sound of that night was ringing in my ear. i felt like i couldn't keep pete close enough to me the whole night; every time i woke in the night i was squeezing his arm. every time i woke in the night i was afraid he wasn't there. when i was asleep i had the re-occurring dream about pete & i choosing to die together. i was very afraid in my dream that if i chose to die with him i would give up too much of what i still had left here, but i knew i didn't want to go without him. i was afraid it would hurt to die, and i kept begging him to remember how it felt to be dying. i was afraid asleep, and i was afraid awake. friday night didn't go well.

saturday night came, and i was afraid to try to it again. i did enjoy re-uniting with the groove my body had carved out over the last 3 years that i was willing to try it again. it was better. the sounds weren't ringing quite as loud, and the scary images only played in my mind until i fell asleep. i think saturday night was the 1st night since this incident that i didn't wake up more than twice, and his breathing sounded normal every time i woke. i felt rested. and more normal.

now sunday is here, and i think i need to keep it going. pete is not thrilled about the switch back; not because he is afraid but because he was hopeful he had finally seized his desired side of the bed. one added benefit of switching back is that the boys haven't figured it out yet. they still climb in on pete's side where they think i am sleeping, so now pete is getting squeezed to the middle. that is probably the safest place for him to be even if he is squished; he won't be rolling out either side now. THANK GOODNESS!!

another minor event

we seem to continue to have minor medical problems around here; perhaps pete's incident left a medical vibe in the air. today the incident was with will. he stuck at least 3 raisins up his nose. i can keep my cool while my husband is having a cardiac arrest on our bedroom floor and i'm his only life-line, but when my 2 year-old opens the shower curtain to show and tell me that he has raisins in his nose i completely lose my brain. i was in a frantic attempt to get clothes on to take him to the emergency room when i decided to let pete have a go at the recovery. he had will just blow his nose and what we thought were all of the raisins came out. whew, i was grateful i didn't rush him off. a small amount panic came back over me about 20 minutes later when will told me he had another raisin and i could see yet another raisin descending his nostril. i called pete to the rescue before i got over-anxious. he had him blow again, and it was out. thank goodness i'm not left to be the only one in charge over here! :)

postponed therapy sessions

therapy has not been postponed for pete; he is still top priority. unfortunately though my (sewing) therapy has been postponed. i continue to add fabric to this stack hoping that my finger will be able to work again soon and that my brain won't be too afraid to start cutting again. in the meantime, stay tuned. i'm thinking some lucky reader should be the recipient of this therapy project.

it's the little things again

*family coloring sessions...

*afternoon resting time with all of us snuggled together in our warm cozy bed...

*a family walk in the chilly afternoon to get sam & will their 1st twinkie...

*preparing dinner all together with sam stirring the salad, will setting the table, and pete just doing whatever he was asked. oh, and not to forget the clean-up... the boys taking their plates to the sink and pete & i working together to do the rest while the boys are dragging out their cars for pretend play right under our feet.

*family games before bed,

*and the cherished bedtime routine of books, prayers, and talking about things.

these are some of the things that i'm certain i would have missed the most if we would have lost pete. i can't comprehend a life without him in it. he has such a presence and influence in our little family. to not have him here is a reality that i'm still grateful that i don't have to comprehend. i just want to work on comprehending how priceless each moment with him really is.

a lot can change in a year

this was a picture taken last christmas, and, my, much has changed...

*will likes santa now; oh, and he also has hair this year (thanks for leaving that alone, sam!)

*sam won't be caught dead in a sweater this year; the days of mother choosing his clothes are over

*my belly isn't nearly so flat; this year it's about 15 lbs. rounder

*pete now has a nice, big scar under that broad left shoulder, not to mention a metal device in the chest

we are grateful that change never stops happening; here's to hoping for the kind of changes that will keep our lives positive in 2010.

not quite what i had in mind

i had envisioned starting off the new year a little differently than i did. i had not planned on making a visit to instacare today, especially a visit for myself. i was hoping that our medical problems were all out in 2009. they would have been if i would not have cut half of my fingertip off with a rotary cutter while cutting fabric. i'm hoping this is not a sign of things to come this year. although even if our year is full of minor mishaps like this, i'm certain it will not be as trying as pete's medical incident. however, i'm still hoping to avoid it.

i hope your new year started off better. i will hopefully post my real new year's inspiration soon.