these are my things

since this space serves mostly as an account of my life,
then i must jot down the things that represent these times.
just in case i ever look back and wonder what things were the hardest as a mother for me in this stage,
now i will be able to accurately remember.

hardest things (i have 2 right now):

1. rounding up my kids to leave from somewhere.
i just hate it.
it requires so much physical effort on my part,
but mostly i hate the anticipation that surrounds it with me,
and i hate my lack of desire to be efficient with the process.
it goes about like this:
me: "kids, it's time to go."
no one listens and continues doing what they are doing.
me: "let's go."
no one listens again so i decide to keep talking, too.
30 minutes pass.
me: "ok. now it's really time to go."
no one listens.
i start getting frustrated and rounding up shoes, etc.
me: "ok. i have everything rounded up. let's go."
repeat the above scenario 1-3 times.
FINALLY we somehow manage to all get to the car.
then,
buckle maggie
or try.
she insists on buckling the top buckle which often takes FOREVER.
then i buckle the bottom.
she is normally fighting me saying "no! it's tight!"
aaahhhh.
me: "buckle up so we can go."
sit. wait. finally.
then we go.

i don't know why i dislike it so much.
i just do.
i could change my strategy,
and it would probably go better.
it's just one of those things that i just don't like.

2. separation anxiety in my children.
this one is more serious.
it gets me on every level,
mental, physical, emotional.
it gets the child, too, on all those levels,
which in turn gets me double on all those levels again.
sometimes i get frustrated,
but mostly overwhelmed with sadness that they are feeling so afraid.
sad they feel so much inner turmoil and embarrassment.
sad that they waste so much time and emotional energy worrying about it.
i hate the inner conflict, too.
are they really needing me this time?
are they just manipulating this time to get what they want?
is this a phase?
are they having an emotional struggle with something that i'm not addressing?
am i causing this?
what can i do?
what should i do?
nothing helps.
then i still feel so hurt for them
and frustrated that i have to be the mom who has to figure out what to do and do it,
even if that sometimes means leaving a kicking, crying, distraught child.
the child recovers much faster than i do.
normally it's about 3 minutes for them.
for me it's about 3 days.
i hate it.
i hate it for them,
and i hate it for me.

oh, and one other thing now that i'm going....

3. losing things.
i understand we lose things/misplace things from time to time.
the rare items that are not used often i understand more and have more sympathy for,
but shoes???
really???
you take them on and off several times a day,
and you have the same spot to put them that has never changed.
when you take your shoes off,
put them away.
when you need your shoes they will be there.
you (and i) should NOT have to search for your shoes every time you need to put them on!
i HATE helping look for lost shoes.