not how i thought it would be

tomorrow is will's birthday.
i have been frantically thinking & planning for the last month about his party,
reserving bounce houses, making bday banners, and felt dr. seuss hats, cake planning, etc.
somewhere along the line i got it in my head that you were supposed to throw big parties for your children on their birthday.
well, i'm not doing it anymore.
as i'm frantically running around all day,
hopping on one leg,
trying to get the last few printables,
the cake,
and a cleaner house,
i have been smacked with the reminder that i have forgotten it all.
i have forgotten my middle boy,
who will just be 3 for one more day.
i have forgotten his daddy who started this new journey with me of another life almost 4 years ago.
i haven't thought much about will's arrival into this earth,
how it was 6 weeks early,
and how difficult it was to not be able to hold him after his birth,
and how tender it was when days later i held him and for the first time his stats were where they needed to be while he was in my arms,
and how every time on my way to or from the hospital i would hear the song "i'll stand by you" on the radio and how i would cry with conviction and hope that i would stand by him always,
no matter what.
well, tonight i don't feel by him.
he is not even here.
to be honest, i feel so lost in dr. seuss party preparations i don't even know how he wants his special day to go.
so, for those of you who might be attending the party tomorrow and there are no table cloths on the tables or perfect decorations, and my house isn't clean,
please just know i stopped those preparations tonight so i could be with my little boy who is growing up way too fast.
and then,
when next year rolls around,
we will be intimately celebrating his life,
with celebrations that have to do with nothing but him.
a day doing exactly the things he chooses.