jumping into motherhood

i have a deep, dark secret.

only my sister amy really knows about this secret,

and that is because i vent it to her almost daily,

and she has heard me say some really stupid things.

what's the secret one might wonder????

i have unobtainable expectations of myself as a mother.

i don't hold other mothers to the same expectations.

in fact i envy that i give them a break.

i have never given myself a break;

i'm never free from the constant inner pep talk to do better, to work harder, and to do more.

i've never really even been able to admit that being a mother is hard.

i can even recall saying to sam's pediatrician when he was a baby that i didn't see what the big deal is;

i hadn't figured out why other mothers thought the job was so hard.

he advised me to be cautious on who i said that to.

now i know why he said that;

he was helping me not make a fool of myself.

being a mother can be hard.

so, what's the problem?

i've just thought that if i was trying harder and doing it right, then it wouldn't be hard.

and on days that it is hard i don't want to admit it to another mother for fear she might think that i wasn't working hard enough.

my expectation has gotten so out of control i've even been afraid to admit to my sister how hard my days can be.

oh, and here i am freaking out that i'm even writing this!

i fear that it means i'm not a good mother if i say it's hard to have a baby who won't nap or sleep at night because she is getting teeth,

or who gets woken up by a loud brother just after she falls asleep,

or how hard it is to have a 5-year old who fights me on almost everything and demands all of my attention at most moments of the day,

or how hard it is to know if you are letting your 3-year-old get away with too much because you are trying to protect him from getting the middle child squeeze,

or how hard it is to have a messy house at any given moment of the day,

or how hard it is to not have 5 minutes of alone, uninterrupted time to myself during the day.

i know there is so much more to being a mother than the hard things.

i have tasted on so many occasions how wonderful it is to be a mother,

and that is where i like to try to keep my focus.

however, i just want the freedom to say it's hard

and not feel bad about it afterwards,

like i'm not enjoying it or wishing it away.

so, from here on out i'm jumping into a realm of motherhood that seems to exist outside of my ridiculous expectations.

i'm going to start feeding my kids cereal for breakfast,

and sometimes it might even be lucky charms or some other sugar cereal.

i think i'll eat more pb&j sandwiches for lunch,

and maybe even artic circle for dinner when i'm too tired to prepare a meal that covers all food groups with recipes containing 10+ ingredients.

i'm even going to take people up on their offers to take my kids for a few hours,

and i will admit that i needed the break and enjoy it.

i will try to work on looking at my messy house as a life that was lived and not just preserved on a shelf,

and when people stop by and see it i will welcome them into our living space with no apologies.

and i will remember that we mothers are all in this together.

none of us are perfect,

and we need each other for support

and for an understanding ear when we just want to be able to say that some days are hard.