trying to remember

i love to write,

and since i was 8 years old i have written in some type of journal.

oh boy, and can those get interesting!!

my one regret about writing has been the last 5 years.

i've written things about my kids.

not enough to remember exactly how everything was & felt,

but i've written.

the one thing i've failed to write about is how i have felt at every different stage of motherhood,

and that's what i wish i could remember.

i wish i could have it as reference for how i feel now.

i wish i could say, "oh, this feeling is normal. i felt that same way when sam was little."

so in an attempt to not lose that opportunity again,

here's how i'm feeling as a new mother again....

i LOVE having a baby!!!

i still want to hold her all the time,

and i do.

perhaps i hold her too much.

sometimes i fear that the boys feel replaced.

they are not replaced,

but maggie is so new,

kind of like having a new toy.

i'm guessing that eventually that playing with her will start seeming normal,

and then perhaps the playing will all just mesh together.

but for now i just can't help it.

i have to admit that i feel a little bothered when i have to do anything that doesn't involve caring for maggie.

with regret, i also admit that taking care of the boys seems overwhelming & a little annoying.

thank goodness pete does so much.

he's so good at it that i don't even realize he's doing anything.

don't get me wrong.

i still love them like crazy,

but they are just so loud.

and heavy when climbing all over me.

they don't sit still.

they break things.

and from time to time they don't even listen.

that's so much harder to tend to for me right now than just holding a baby.

i'm hoping that i will reconnect with them again soon.

is this just a phase?

maybe.

i hope.

i can remember being very overwhelmed after will was born.

and very unable to focus on anything but him.

that lasted about 18 months.

i'm hoping i can focus sooner than that this time around.

i think i will.

oh, and i'm tired.

sometimes i don't realize how tired because i have so much to do,

and i'm happy doing most of it.

until i can tell i'm tired.

then i just want to yell at everyone.

i have no patience then.

come to think of it,

that seems to happen every day around 2:30.

i'm learning that i just need to lay down then instead of plowing through it.

i'm wondering how long i will feel this tired.

i'm sure it would help if i would go to bed before midnight.

i can't help it that i like staying up.

i like doing things by myself,

things that i enjoy.

i like being with pete, too.

another thing is my brain.

it feels like mush.

i can't remember anything,

i zone out a lot,

and i think any amount of academic knowledge i had is now completely gone.

people blame it on motherhood.

could that be true?

i really hope that comes back.

i'm really hoping.

even though i get frustrated from time to time with being a mother,

i feel like i have really grown into it.

i love it,

and there's nothing else i would rather be doing.

i'm constantly wishing i was a better mother,

a better disciplinarian,

a better teacher,

and more organized.

i worry if i do enough one-on-one things with the boys.

i worry if i say "no" too much.

i fear that i'm missing so many important lessons.

i worry a lot about that.

i wonder often what they are seeing in me,

and i'm hoping it's enough.

i'm getting better about not beating myself up so much.

i think the next step is to just start doing the things i worry about that i'm not doing.

even with my worrying,

i do feel much more comfortable as a mother than i thought i ever would.

and i love it.

my days feel much more committed to my children then they feel to myself,

and i'm ok with that.