dream dust

i love my children's bedtime.

and i don't just mean i love them going to bed.

i love the whole routine of it all.

our bedtime routine is something that has evolved into the most special part of our day.

what we do has changed somewhat as our boys have gotten older.

i must admit that i really love the latest change.

when we were in oregon the boys were always afraid of having bad dreams.

i started something there called dream dust.

as soon as they are in bed with their eyes closed,

then i bring out my pretend bag of dream dust

and pretend to sprinkle it all over them while i make up a silly dream for them to dream that night.

it varies,

depending on how creative i am that night.

sam likes to have new dream dust every night.

will likes the same dream dust.

he likes "dreaming" about the tractor made up of a marshmellow seat, pizza steering wheel, and cookies tires.

in his "dream" he drives to the orange juice pond before deciding to drink the pond & eat the tires, steering wheel, and tractor seat.

i don't know if they ever dream the silly things.

that's not entirely the point.

i just like silly routine,

and i think they do, too.

two peas in a pod

i am a little obsessive compulsive about some things.

not like in a freaky way,

but maybe more in a perfectionist way.

i would like to think that my OCD tendencies don't affect anyone but myself.

fortunately,

or unfortunately,

i think sam was born with the same tendencies.

some things pain me as i watch him,

wishing he could relax

or let certain things go

or just not worry about some of the things he worries about.

like this...

in our church we have sacrament meeting, primary classes, and sharing time.

while we were on vacation our ward switched the schedule.

we now have sharing time first where the kids are all together

and then they go to their primary class.

sunday was our first day back to this new schedule.

when church was over we couldn't find sam.

i was nervous,

but pete was smart.

he guessed how sam's brain was working.

sam thrives on schedule and order,

so pete assumed he went back to the primary room for sharing time since that is how it always worked.

and he was right.

there sat sam in his normal row

with a new group of kids from another ward.

pete quietly got him and kindly told him it was time to go home.

pete explained they switched the schedule and left it at that.

well, sam has not forgotten about it.

all day today sam has been reviewing the schedule for tomorrow,

repeating over and over,

"sharing time first and then classes".

he has asked us so many times if that is how it's going to happen tomorrow.

he needs schedule confirmation.

we got it all worked out.

as i saw how concerning it was to him,

i had a reminder of my role as his mother.

it is my job to teach him skills to master his personality.

he has a great personality;

he has so much drive and focus for a 4-year-old,

and i want him to be comfortable with who he is

and know how to use his strength for good and not let it be a weakness.

so, as for tomorrow at church, i helped him come up with a plan so he wouldn't feel confused or uncomfortable again.

he decided to wait in his classroom until i come to get him.

he described about 19 times where his classroom is just to be sure i know.

i will be there,

and i can guarantee that he will be right there waiting.

that's one thing i love about sam.

he knows how to make a great plan.

i'm trying my best to teach him how to execute his plans.

and i, of all people, understand how the execution will empower him all of his days.

manzanita

i have found myself already missing our oregon vacation.

i miss the unlimited time on the beach.

i miss the small cottage that wasn't filled with so much stuff.

i miss the focus that i could give to just my family.

and i miss manzanita.

what a wonderful place.

so, before our trip gets too far away that i stop thinking about it,

i think it's time to post a few more things i wrote while we were there.

Manzanita

July 7, 2010

The magic of the Oregon coast was re-born within us today at mazanita.

This was the 1^st time we had been here,

And we loved it.

The vibe here was exactly what we had built Oregon up to be.

The people were friendly.

The beach was the most beautiful we have seen.

The sand seemed the softest and whitest.

There were lots of waves with breaking white everywhere you looked.

The tide was out which left a perfectly packed shore with no rocks.

There was a forested cliff at the end for a perfect backdrop.

Oh, and the shops!

We loved the little shops!

Longevity Yoga studio was a real treat.

Pete loved the hand warmer mugs,

And I loved the smell.

I wish I could’ve bottled the smell up to bring home,

The smell was full of sandalwood,

Which I love.

I liked the employee there,

She was friendly,

And she liked my hat.

She had a great energy.

I also loved the yarn store.

There were great handmade items and books.

The boys loved rearranging the skeins of yarn on display.

They didn’t last long in this store.

Thank goodness for the organic market.

The boys needed a treat,

And their candy choices were all things I could feel good about.

I loved sam’s natural raspberry licorice.

Amy & mel, remember the panda bear licorice?

It was definitely a market we enjoyed.

We have decided that our next trip to the Oregon coast will be spent in Manzanita,

Doing yoga on the beach,

And watching our kids roll around in the sand.

That was will’s activity of choice today.

Sam loved just getting in the water again

And digging for treasures in the sand.

He found a little bone which became a beloved treasure for him.

Kind of gross, I know, but there was no convincing him.

At least it was clean.

We could sit for a very long time on a beach like this.

We just need to be sure we put sam in his swimsuit so when he gets wet he won’t be so bummed about it being in his regular shorts. J

the first of its kind

have i mentioned how much i love having a girl?

well, i do.

for many reasons.

the sewing projects are one of the reasons.

there are just so many more options for girls than boys.

like this little dress that took no time at all to make.

i got the pattern from made by rae.

it was cute, quick, and simple.

and maggie loved it.

oh, this is just the beginning.

i think she is excited, too.

i told her that with enough practice i would make her wedding dress in about 30 years.

she smiled.

i think she's excited.

trying to remember

i love to write,

and since i was 8 years old i have written in some type of journal.

oh boy, and can those get interesting!!

my one regret about writing has been the last 5 years.

i've written things about my kids.

not enough to remember exactly how everything was & felt,

but i've written.

the one thing i've failed to write about is how i have felt at every different stage of motherhood,

and that's what i wish i could remember.

i wish i could have it as reference for how i feel now.

i wish i could say, "oh, this feeling is normal. i felt that same way when sam was little."

so in an attempt to not lose that opportunity again,

here's how i'm feeling as a new mother again....

i LOVE having a baby!!!

i still want to hold her all the time,

and i do.

perhaps i hold her too much.

sometimes i fear that the boys feel replaced.

they are not replaced,

but maggie is so new,

kind of like having a new toy.

i'm guessing that eventually that playing with her will start seeming normal,

and then perhaps the playing will all just mesh together.

but for now i just can't help it.

i have to admit that i feel a little bothered when i have to do anything that doesn't involve caring for maggie.

with regret, i also admit that taking care of the boys seems overwhelming & a little annoying.

thank goodness pete does so much.

he's so good at it that i don't even realize he's doing anything.

don't get me wrong.

i still love them like crazy,

but they are just so loud.

and heavy when climbing all over me.

they don't sit still.

they break things.

and from time to time they don't even listen.

that's so much harder to tend to for me right now than just holding a baby.

i'm hoping that i will reconnect with them again soon.

is this just a phase?

maybe.

i hope.

i can remember being very overwhelmed after will was born.

and very unable to focus on anything but him.

that lasted about 18 months.

i'm hoping i can focus sooner than that this time around.

i think i will.

oh, and i'm tired.

sometimes i don't realize how tired because i have so much to do,

and i'm happy doing most of it.

until i can tell i'm tired.

then i just want to yell at everyone.

i have no patience then.

come to think of it,

that seems to happen every day around 2:30.

i'm learning that i just need to lay down then instead of plowing through it.

i'm wondering how long i will feel this tired.

i'm sure it would help if i would go to bed before midnight.

i can't help it that i like staying up.

i like doing things by myself,

things that i enjoy.

i like being with pete, too.

another thing is my brain.

it feels like mush.

i can't remember anything,

i zone out a lot,

and i think any amount of academic knowledge i had is now completely gone.

people blame it on motherhood.

could that be true?

i really hope that comes back.

i'm really hoping.

even though i get frustrated from time to time with being a mother,

i feel like i have really grown into it.

i love it,

and there's nothing else i would rather be doing.

i'm constantly wishing i was a better mother,

a better disciplinarian,

a better teacher,

and more organized.

i worry if i do enough one-on-one things with the boys.

i worry if i say "no" too much.

i fear that i'm missing so many important lessons.

i worry a lot about that.

i wonder often what they are seeing in me,

and i'm hoping it's enough.

i'm getting better about not beating myself up so much.

i think the next step is to just start doing the things i worry about that i'm not doing.

even with my worrying,

i do feel much more comfortable as a mother than i thought i ever would.

and i love it.

my days feel much more committed to my children then they feel to myself,

and i'm ok with that.

parenting tip 101

one of my favorite things is to store parenting ideas to use when my children are older.

i have a little notebook full of them.

if i find ideas that strike me for my kids this age,

then i use the ideas now.

i recently read an idea on sixtimesthefun for her summer schedule.

i will be using this schedule when my children are older.

we already journal on sundays,

but i love some of her prompts.

i really love the memorizing idea.

what a way to keep a brain sharp & full of inspirational thoughts.

i come across so many quotes that i would love to be stored in my children's brains.

since there won't be any memorizing going on around here for quite some time

i will just use this blog to store the quote material for another time.

the quote stuck in my mind as of late is this...

"out of clutter, find simplicity.

from discord, find harmony.

in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."

albert einstein

this will be stored in the memory bank for the next few years.

the nights

I don’t love the nights here.
I feel really restless
And tired.
I always want to be doing
something that I brought along,
Hand sewing, journal, reading.
I’m always too tired
And somewhat disoriented.
I get really scared, too.
Mostly scared that the boys aren’t ok upstairs
Or scared that Maggie is missing.
Then I have really bad/weird dreams.
And the bed is not comfortable.
The bed frame is not big enough for the mattress.
I don’t even feel rested when I wake up.
The nights are what I look most forward to about being home.
And the dreams.
I hope my dreams aren’t so weird then.

i wrote this post while in oregon.
i was hopeful about nights at home.
at least my bed is comfortable,
and i'm not worrying about the children.
but the dreams are not better.
last night i was dreaming that pete was having an affair with a really skinny girl.
if you guessed i'm having body image problems,
then you guessed right.
i know i shouldn't have to keep reminding myself that pete will not have an affair because i'm still 10 lbs. overweight.
i know better.
i know he doesn't even notice.

in a good way.

our cottage

our cottage was perfect.
it was at the end of a dead end street on a gravel street.
on one side we had a forest
on the other side we had crusty neighbors.
they didn't like 4th of july celebrations;
they thought they were obnoxious.
they also told us how to park our car.
still a great location though.
it was about 1200 sq. ft. total.
it was cozy and very comfortable.
that's what we like
and we have a rejuvenated take on small homes with much detail.
we had a family room, kitchen, bathroom on the main floor.
upstairs there was a bedroom and area that could be used as an office.
it felt very "loftish" up there.
i loved having everyone so close to all the living you do every day.
it was well laid out,
and no space was wasted.
we were cozy and liked it.
they had great windows.
i loved sleeping with them open,
and i loved how easy they were to open.
the decor wasn't great,
but we could live with that.

when we arrived it smelled musty like the sea,
and when we left it still smelled like milky bacon that we cooked for our 4th of july breakfast.
those were my only complaints.

Oregon Overview

we are home now.
we drove straight through on sunday.
the kids were angels in the car for 15 hours.
i don't know what we thinking making that long drive in one day!
thankfully we were fully loaded with treats, travel bags, and even a surprise movie or 2.
our minivan was a champion,
and i'm certain now a minivan is the only family vehicle that i will ever have.

there's no place like home, really.
though i will miss the togetherness of that trip and all the memories of even the little things about how it felt.
thankfully i typed a bunch of posts and saved in word,
so my next few posts will be about our trip.

• 
  

happy birthday

happy birthday to a boy who...

thinks he is turning 5

but who is really turning 3.

to a boy who...

loves balls,

especially basketballs,

but he insists on calling them soccer balls.

to a boy who...

still likes to ask for

"maggie's baba with a lid on it with milk in it"

every time he has a rest.

to a boy who...

has always loved sleeping.

this is a boy that will sleep until 9:00

even after a 3 hour nap during the day.

every morning he wakes up he asks if his rest is over.

to a boy who...

still loves climbing into his parent's be at night

to snuggle with his dad.

he likes it best when he can lay right on top of the blankets.

to a boy who...

loves to eat

but only if it's candy, meat, cheese, or noodles.

he has radar for candy.

who will not eat the bread on a sandwich.

and who also must eat the second he wakes up.

to a boy who...

never wants to wear shoes.

who takes them off every tie we get in the car,

in fact, he takes them off almost everywhere we go as soon as we arrive.

and he loves leaving his shoes in the car and refuses to carry them in

but is so proud on the occassions he does put them away in his drawer.

to a boy who...

loves being a brother.

sam is his best friend and playmate

and maggie is the love of his life.

he can't kiss his sister enough,

and who has the cutest voice & biggest smile every time he says

"miss mag!"

to a boy who...

is obsessed with scary guys.

it goes far beyond frightmares now.

anyone who looks a little rough is a scary guy,

or who is wearing a mask,

and they always find their way into his thoughts at bedtime.

to a boy who...

is so much like his dad

yet really like none of us at all.

he has the freest spirit of anyone i know,

laughing all the time

and always content with his decisions and the things he does.

to a boy who...

loves people

and will let you blatantly know by saying

"i like you now"

to a boy who...

we like a lot, too.

he is constantly bringing laughter into our home with his quick whit and charm.

we are so lucky to have him.

we never dreamed 3 years ago that our sick little NICU baby would ever turn into the sweet wild monkey that he is now.

happy birthday

to a very special boy.

will's celebration

our family has talked for months about will's birthday party a the beach house.

since we are leaving tomorrow we celebrated today.

will knows how to work the celebration circuit,

so he worked it to get almost everything he asked for in the name of a birthday celebration.

(auntie, you would've been proud. :)

he got...

green balloons at safeway,

cream soda in glass bottles,

candy bottle suckers that you dip in colored sugar,

a basket of strawberries at the farmer market & a watermelon,

orange cupcakes,

hot dogs.

and a kid show resting time.

and a party on the beach.

the party on the beach must have been overly anticipated.

it didn't go quite like we had planned.

will was either crying, sleeping, or wanting to be held almost the whole time on the beach.

he loved throwing his football around.

and then was obsessed with the new birthday basketball.

also the dinner wasn't quite right either.

it was too windy to get the fire lit,

so he ate cold hot dogs and didn't seem to mind.

pete & i were not going for that at 7:00 pm.

we wanted real food,

so we went to plan b.

we had our cupcake & present celebration on the beach

and then had mexican food in tillamook.

just our luck,

at this restaurant,

the birthday person gets a free entree.

we surely took advantage of that!

will got shrimp

and a sprite

and a free dessert

all while wearing a sombrero.

i'd say all in all he loved his day.

i'm sure he was content eating cold hot dogs on the beach,

drinking warm cream soda,

wrapped in a towel,

crying for his basketball.

all in one day

july 7

today was packed full. that's how we like to travel. some days are spent seeing as many things as you can. today was one of those days. we left at 9:30 and didn’t get back until 8:30. we went to manzanita, cannon beach, seaside, and astoria.

the children were great. sam only asked a few times how much longer instead of 100 times. maggie only cried a little on the way home. and will didn’t really even bug sam about the music. it was cute to hear hear them trying to decide together how loud they would like to listen to “head, shoulders, knees, and toes”.

each place offered something so different that I would like to highlight each place in a post of its own.

July 7, 2010

the scenery of the drive going up the Oregon coast is like a vacation in itself. it's slow moving, so it takes almost twice as long as it should to get where you are going. that's ok because then you really get to see.

sam asks a lot how many minutes it will take to get wherever we are going.

he always wants a comparison to something he knows in distance.

we measure everything in comparison to how long it takes to get to wee-ma’s house, grandma jane’s house, and auntie’s house. we've driven to cannon beach enough times on this trip; he now has a sense of how long that takes, so we can throw that into the comparison list now.

we try to enjoy our time together in the car. we count speed limit signs along the way and try to guess how many we will see before we arrive to our destination. we also count cows. pete has promised to the boys a penny for every cow they can find. he will probably be paying out about 200 pennies. today we did taffy for anyone who could find a train. i love watching their minds and eyes work on these excursions.

I hope to never forget our ongoing joke that happens over and over in the car. it goes like this:

will: mom?

me: what?

will: Nothing!!

then we all laugh. this can go on for quite some time with everyone going back and forth. i really shake things up with my occasional “Never mind!” instead of “Nothing!” i promise it really is funny and helps the time pass.

today on our drive we saw a turn off for hug point. of course we had to stop and hug there. it seems we make a lot of pull offs like this, but none have been as cute sounding as hug point.

we’ve also driven by this rock so many times we just didn’t want to forget it. it's north of tillamook on hwy 101 near rockaway beach. we call it the tillamook rock, but I don’t know if that’s really what it’s called. whatever, we just want to remember that lone tree out on the rock.

so many things to remember...

what is netarts?

netarts...

a communtiy by the bay.

a prime destination for crabbers.

population around 800.

about 40% of the homes are occupied by tourists.

it's nestled in between oceanside and tillamook.

there's not much here,

but it has been the home of our summer beach house.

join me for a tour of the 2.6 square mile community...

this was the view turning off our street.

this street would take you to the bay, to the beach, and the schooner bar/restaurant (which we never had reason to frequent).

we always loved that house on the hill.

there is a post office, salon, real estate shop, 2 small grocery markets, a used collectible store, and a few small vacation motels.

the only place we had reason to go was the market & the collectible store.

the market didn't have much and what they had seemed to be old & overpriced.

we did our grocery shopping in tillamook.

the used store was pretty cool.

lexi, the shop owner, was a little weird,

but she always had fresh brownies for a treat and salt water taffy.

sam wanted to go back often.

i liked going, too,

so we often took a walk alone together to just look.

he did use his saved money to buy a new stuffed animal for his collection.

and i used my money to buy some fishing net for the boys' room.

we loved the conflict between the market and lex's cool stuff.

hence, all the "no parking" signs for the other store plastered all over their parking lots.

netarts may not have had much in the way of people or retail,

and the people may have been a little "salty",

but it did have a great view of the ocean

and a private little beach

that was the very best for collecting shells & crab shells.