chapters 21-30

i didn't go to church today.

i stayed home with my sick baby,

and we went on a walk.

i'm so glad we did.

it has been the 1st real spring day here,

and it was beautiful.

i was soaking up the perfect air and blue skies,

and i was reminded of a post i read on a friend's blog about the chapters of her life.

it dawned on me to enjoy this moment,

to hold onto it,

that i wouldn't be writing this particular chapter of my life forever.

in fact, i could be writing a new chapter very soon.

isn't that how life happens?

i was overwhelmed with emotion as i realized that perhaps i have written the very best chapters of my life that will ever be written at the base of these beautiful foothills.

it has been in this great valley that i wrote the chapters of...

my college degree, my professional training, and career,

friendship,

marriage,

not just marriage,

but the evolvement from a happy newlywed "playing house"

to a solid 10 year relationship with the best companion, lover, and friend that this girl ever could've asked for.

our first home,

problems and all.

even our first and only dog we will ever have.

the birth of my first child,

and then a 2nd,

and then a 3rd,

and all the joy that comes with each one,

all the tender moments,

all the challenging moments of personal growth & development.

all of these chapters have been written here.

oh, and lets not forget the chapter of life,

of almost losing the life of my husband,

to have it restored with completeness.

a new life.

a happier life.

all the chapters of my very most important "firsts" have been written in the walls of this home in this great valley.

there has been so much longing for other things in the undertones of each of these chapters,

longing for a different house,

a different location,

a different adventure,

and a different person than who i have been,

a skinnier person,

a stronger person,

a healthier person,

a freer person,

a better person.

all in a moment on our walk this morning

i knew with conviction that i didn't want these chapters to be re-written in any other way.

not in a different house,

not in a different location,

not a different adventure,

and not even a different person than i have been.

the chapters i have written over the last 11 years are the ones that i will want to read over and over again when i'm at the end of my life.

inevitably new chapters will be written.

i don't want my story to end at age 31.

there will be new chapters,

and i will be grateful for those, too,

but i'm certain none will be quite like these.

what a story.

what a story.

farewell old friend

calvin found a new home today.

it was with mixed emotions that we let him go.

there have been challenging times,

but there have been good times, too.

he loved us,

and he protected us.

we loved him, too.

just not when he was on the couch,

or on my bed,

or pooping in the backyard.

he was a beautiful dog.

we still plan on asking exactly what kind of dog he was when we get to heaven.

it was the right time though,

and it was the perfect home.

he went to the country to a 2-acre farm.

he went to a family that loves dogs,

a family who wants him to sleep in their beds with them.

but most importantly he went to a 10-year-old boy who has had a challenging life so far.

the boy wanted a friend and someone to love and give him love,

he needed a dog friend.

so a loving grandma gave him that wish today.

and he was happy,

oh, so timidly happy.

calvin was happy, too.

we have all been a little sad,

even the boys.

will was almost crying once calvin was in their car.

he wanted to say goodbye one last time,

so we opened their door,

and calvin gave us all one last lick.

i know it will be better for everyone.

we won't forget him,

and he will be missed.

maybe just until all of the dog hair is cleaned out of our house.

just kidding.

he will also be missed when i'm home alone all day with the boys without his security.

or when pete and the boys need someone else to wrestle with.

i just have to keep reminding myself that it really will be better for everyone.

especially for a 10-year-old boy.

i wish i wish

today we went to the post office.

we have a fountain outside our post office.

i have always loved throwing a penny in & making a wish.

my boys are no different.

as i visited the fountain today i thought about all the fountain wishes i had made.

i wished a lot that i could have a secret admirer or a boyfriend.

my boys wish every time for a turtle.

i decided to throw a penny in today and make a wish.

i wished for the 1st thing that popped into my mind.

i wished that i could have my babies forever.

if i would've had another penny i would've thrown it for another wish.

i would've wished that someday they can have their own babies & experience this type of love, commitment, and pleasure.

i would've wished it for all 3 of them.

sledding in may

it snowed today.

yes, it is may 24.

i know. a little strange.

will wanted to go sledding.

he loves sledding.

however, i don't think he has made the correlation between sledding & the amount of snow necessary.

in an effort to not let him down, he got to go sledding.

it was just a different kind of sledding.

equally as fun though.

it's times like this that i realize how lucky they are to still have a dad.

i would've had to pull them by hand.

and i know that wouldn't have been nearly as fun.

picture anyone?

i painted the boys' room yesterday.

i've been wanting to do it for a long time.

i should have been doing other things.

like cleaning my house or getting ready for the family get together we were having today.

i didn't though.

and oh well.

there has been a picture hanging in sam's room since he was a baby.

i made it at an enrichment activity before he was born.

i loved it.

for some reason it has lost its meaning to me.

i just haven't really thought much about it lately.

but i thought about it when i took it down today.

sam has always liked it.

he always asks if that's him when he was a baby with his dad.

for some reason i don't want it anymore.

i'm trying really hard to not just keep 100 things around.

does anyone out here want it?

or does anyone have an idea of how to re-use it so i don't have to get rid of it?

clock radio

do you remember back in the day of clock radios?

i know it's an ancient thing,

but i was thinking about them today.

i was remembering back to a day in 1991.

i was 13.

i had a clock radio.

and i loved listening to the top 40 country countdown on sunday morning.

i was always sooo happy when george strait's song "if i know me" song was #1.

i loved that song.

i turned that clock radio up as loud as it would go.

and i would sing that song as loud as i could.

and with as much passion as a 13 year old girl could.

i wasn't alone.

pete told me about his hand-me-down clock radio that he would do the same thing with.

except he was listening to jon bon jovi.

i just loved the simple days of clock radios.

that was enough.

i also loved the passion for something as simple as a country song.

i miss that now.

sometimes i think we care about too many things as grown ups that we don't feel so much passion for just one thing.

except our children, but that's not what i'm talking about.

i'm talking about just something simple.

something that doesn't involve work or thought.

something that is just a reflection of you.

maybe it's time for me to pull out the clock radio again.

we still have one.

i'm just not sure how many songs i would actually know anymore.

unless of course i was listening to fm100.

i know, a totally random post.

i was just thinking though.

and this is the kind of stuff my brain comes up with.

a little tightly wound

i've been a little tightly wound the last few days.

ok, i'm sorry that i can't play it cool every time i spill a bottle of cooking oil on the floor or when my kids spill ice cream and water all over a freshly mopped kitchen floor.

sometimes those things wind me up.

needless to say my parenting has been suffering.

better yet, i think everything about me has suffered a bit.

but especially my parenting.

sam told me so today.

well, in a round about way he did.

this afternoon sam & will decided to stand outside and ring the doorbell over & over.

i decided to not be such a grouch about it since i had been a grouch most of the day already.

i played along.

i opened the door and invited them in, pretending i didn't know them.

i energetically questioned them about their names, where they were from, & what they liked to do.

they were playing along.

i asked them if their mother knew they were here.

sam's response was this:

"our mother doesn't want us. she thinks we are too wild."

telling, very telling.

i really hope that is not the message i've been sending.

and if it is i hope it's a message they don't carry around.

i know i need to unwind and do it better.

i'm grateful that in one month from today we will be sitting on this picnic blanket at our beach house on the oregon coast.

a month of no commitments & pure relaxation should help.

a day of mourning

do all mothers feel sad when their babies fall out of the nest?

we have had a bird family nesting in our patio roof.

we have sat many afternoons in the hammock watching the mother carry worms for her babies.

we named her betty.

we named her babies freddy, jack, & jacob.

we found freddy, jack, jacob, & 3 other siblings dead on our patio today.

we were all sad.

we all just stared at each other.

until sam said, "we shouldn't worry. betty will lay more eggs."

will kept wanting to check on them all day to see if they were alive yet.

and i just felt sad.

i found myself feeling sympathy for betty for her loss.

i also found myself thinking about my own "nest".

hoping that in 15 years when my babies begin leaving my nest that they are more successful than freddy, jack, and jacob.

this is a good one

i feel the same way about too much candy as i feel about too much tv.

i don't like it,

but i feel like i can't deprive them completely.

however, i've been getting really tired of them sneaking gumballs all day and walking around with chewy sugar corroding their teeth.

i've always kept the candy in a cabinet with a child-proof lock.

sam learned to open it long ago.

he recently taught his brother.

the locked candy cabinet is now a lost cause.

after today the cause is no longer lost.

and i can't stop smiling to myself.

i caught will trying to sneak a 6th gumball.

i asked him to put it back.

instead of obeying he attempted to grab the whole dish.

of course it spilled.

gumballs went rolling all over the floor.

sam and will thought they had hit the jackpot.

they were gathering gumballs as fast as they could.

then they ran.

i looked around at gumballs on the floor.

then i smiled.

i smiled the whole time i was gathering them up.

i smiled as i dumped them in the trash.

i was smiling because i knew exactly what would happen next.

i proceeded to put the boys down for a nap.

i didn't say a word about the gumballs.

i could tell they were confused about my lack of words.

they thought thy were home free.

i got in the shower after that.

(don't judge that my shower was at 2:30)

i could hear sam coaxing will to go get them a gumball.

will was an eager follower.

he opened the candy cabinet.

he was stunned.

he ran back to sam.

sam told him to look again.

off again.

he stood again, just staring.

back to sam he went.

again a 3rd time to the cabinet.

this time he took sam with him.

both stood there shocked.

back to bed they went, empty handed.

they didn't get up again.

not a word has been said by anyone.

i think they know i got them on this one.

the best part of the story?

watching and laughing from the shower, and they couldn't hear me.

don't you just love teaching a lesson without a single word?

i do.

30 down

today was the big birthday that sent me into my 30s.

i'm no longer just 30, but i'm now in my 30s.

i'm ok with that really.

i have been grateful for 30 full and pleasant years.

i'm hoping this next year will be equally as full and happy, too.

and i hope the kisses, flowers, and the gifted household items wrapped in towels from 2 little boys don't stop over this next year either.

oh, and it was fun to celebrate my day with maggie.

she was 6 weeks old today.

man, how time flies by.

remember when...

do you remember when you could wake up when you wanted,

take a shower before 2:30 pm,

unload the dishwasher without it taking 45 minutes,

and start a project and finish in a day and not 5 weeks?

i remember those days.

i'm doomed

i'm afraid i will never have a clean bathroom again.

it will be a never ending battle after i witnessed this.

i'm not sure whose idea it was,

but sam was sure coaching.

and yes, they were really peeing.

a new wish list

today is may 1.

nevermind the snowy, rainy weather.

anyways, that means i'll be 31 in 12 days.

it's hard to believe it's that time of year again.

i've put together a birthday wish list for a girl turning 31.

that was hard when i feel like i already have everything.

but i know some of you will be asking,

so here goes...

canon rebel

flip recorder

ok, i'll get real...

faberware 3-qt. straining saucepan

weekend sewing by heather ross

stitched in time by alicia paulson

any new clothes, especially casual, colorful, cute t-shirts (like the one above), capris, and skirts

headbands with this type of look....