sam

dear sam
something is happening around here with you; you are changing some how. i guess that's the natural progression of things; you are almost 4. you have literally gone from a toddler to a boy in an instant. in the not so distant past you loved tractors & digging; you would do that for hours. you've recently informed me that you don't like tractors anymore, and you must not because you rarely can be talked into playing with them. going outside to ride bikes or jump on the tramp was preferred entertainment. now you don't go on your own, and you often say no that it's boring when i recommend it. you used to LOVE to paint; you always wanted to print off super hero pictures, and you would spend long periods of time doing that. not anymore. you also can't be convinced to spend time in the sewing room with me anymore; i already am missing the days when you would sit on the counter next to me and sort thread. you also won't even let me choose your clothes anymore. i'm not even sure i know what you love anymore besides tv (which i am majorly NOT a fan; now if i could convince others that you spend time with of that before the brain turns to mush and robs you of all your other recreational interests.) you also always want to be with friends. i'm just not sure how to hang onto your young childhood longer.
while i welcome the newfound independence, it's kind of a lonely change for me. remember how i used to be your world, your best friend? remember how you used to say "hold me mommy" and always need lots of snuggles and kisses? remember how you always twirled my hair and wanted me around? well, i miss those days. i never believed all the people who told me you would grow out of your infatuation with me; maybe they were actually right. i've been feeling really sad about it lately, and i'm feeling really sad right now. i have a quiet sense of peace about how i have raised you up to this point. i know i've given you as much love and direction as humanly possible, so i'm grateful i have that comfort as you change and need me less.
thankfully you still want to talk about things at night even though you're done now after only a few things. tonight i asked you if you were always going to be my boy, and thank you for your tender reassurance. you reassured me that you would still be my boy even when you are a grown up, when you are 10, and when you are in heaven. you even reassured me that i would always be your boy, too. and in a constantly evolving way i know you will always be my boy.

love
mom