happy birthday to our shooting star

my favorite story about sam's birth was how my sisters and i believe he entered this earth.
my sisters came together to the hospital when i was in labor with sam. they were on their way around 4:30 am. it was still dark. just as they were rounding the capitol building heading to the hospital they claim they saw the biggest shooting star they've ever seen fall right onto the hospital where i was in labor with sam. shortly after they arrived sam was born. it was such a remarkable story it seemed like it could hardly be just a coincidence. we believe he was a part of that star.

every year on sam's birthday i tell him the story about how he came to earth on the biggest shooting star ever. he loves the story. he wants to hear it over and over again all day long. as i've repeated that story and thought about what sam has brought with him this to this earth and what he has brought into our lives, i am definitely convinced that star was his plan. sam has always had a plan for everything, and it's never really a typical plan. he has this amazing ability to execute his plans, too. i have been so deeply touched by the way his brain works... the depth, the intensity, the reason. he has lit up my life just like a shooting star lights up the sky. for as many years as i tell him that story i will always believe there was purpose and truth in that star.

happy 4th birthday to our bright shooting star! we hope you never change.

follow-up

thank you all for the kind comments on my last post; your reassurance is meaningful and important to me, so thank you. plus, i just wanted to leave a follow-up. i did create that night, from start to finish. i made sam's bday invitations which turned out fine. they had the 1990s look to them, but i'm ok with that. pete reminded me that that was when i was in my prime, so i need to be grateful that i can still pull off my prime. grateful i am.

i know i was just having a downer evening. i woke the next day recommitted to doing the things that represent me, my family, and my interests, and that i do know how to do and do it well for me. i really am grateful for my capabilities and interests and am always trying to embrace that. i love that what i created that night said "party" as it's main theme. it was a reminder to me to have my life be a party of the things i enjoy. i've created a few things since that night, and i hope to keep "partying" on with many more future creations.

i need this night

do you ever have a night that you want just for you? a night to not have do anything except for exactly what you want? well, i do. and tonight is one of those nights. what my brain needs is a night to create something from start to finish. i need that satisfaction. however, tonight it's not so easy. i don't have any ideas. i'm frustrated by that. especially because i have seen so many talented people and their creative projects lately. i'm capable, but these people are definitely in a league far above where i can only hope to end up.
i wish i was more like soulemama who can sit down in an evening and use thrifted fabric to create a beautiful outfit for her daughter.


i wish i was more like liz and be able to make such trendy things and look as perfect as her and have my house be as clean as hers while i'm doing it.


or i wish i was more like v&co who just creates anything out of practically nothing like these cute balls.


and that's not even scratching the surface. i know i'm just feeling sorry for myself, and i know i shouldn't. i know i should stop wasting time here and get up and start doing something, something that I'M good at. like making sam's bday invitations look like they are straight out of 1995. that's the kind of stuff i'm good at. :)

i don't want to miss a thing

10/12
Sam: today you asked me if girls ever toot. i had to laugh; you probably wonder since that's not something you ever hear your mother do and thank goodness for that. but why would you even be thinking that!?

Will: you have started saying a new phrase, one that i can't say i love. it's "go away!!", and you use it every time you're not getting what you want. hope you grow out of that one soon. :)

10/13
Sam: you are a grateful child. i LOVE what you do at dinner almost every night. you come into the kitchen as i'm putting everything on the table and comment on how good everything smells. then as soon as you taste something you always say it's so delicious and thank me for making it. WOW! what kind of mother doesn't love that!? i love that you have a dad who has set that example for you almost every day of your life.

Will: i LOVE that you and i have the mornings alone together tues-thurs. while sam is at preschool or playgroup. i always try to make it a special time because i know you haven't gotten near the one on one time like a first child gets. i have really bonded with you during this time, and i've realized what an easy child you are. it's so easy to take you places; you just stay in the cart and sing. today we went shopping, and i let you hold a toy while you were in the cart. anytime you would drop and i would hand it back to you you would always say "thank you, mommy." in your sweetest little voice. i think it has been good for you, too. you are always telling me now that you are mama's boy.

10/14
Sam: i can't believe how you have turned into the family peacemaker. you are a very sensitive child and are always wanting everyone to be happy. today will spilled a glass of orange juice all over the couch. i can't say i was thrilled about it since i just cleaned the couches on saturday. i'm certain i could've had a more positive reaction, and you quickly and kindly reminded me of what that reaction should have been. you said, "mommy, i have a great idea. let's be nice to scooter and not yell. let's always be kind to everyone." that sounded awfully familiar like something i've heard myself say 100 times; i'm glad it is making an impact on you and that you want to be kind.

Will: you are very scared of halloween masks, actually downright terrified. we took you to frightmares a few weeks ago and you saw guys in scary costumes, and you have not been the same since. you are constantly talking about the "(s)cary guy" the "(S)cary guy" is always "get me". you say often that the scary hit you or bit you. it's actually really sad; you have trouble staying in your bed at night because you are saying that the scary guy is getting you. you must feel terrified for as often as you talk about it. i hope we can get those "(s)cary guys" out of your head soon.

10/15
Sam: i love this story. this morning you went in your room and shut the door so you could get dressed. after 10 minutes or so you came out to show me what you did in your room. sometimes that can be scary, so i was prepared for the worst. however, i was pleasantly surprised. your room was spotless, and the bed was made almost perfectly, complete with pillows. i was so proud and let you know how happy i was. i asked how you knew how to make your bed all by yourself, and your response made me smile. you said a little annoyed "because you show me every single day." well, i'm grateful you're paying attention.


Will: you certainly have a bedtime routine. you will not go to sleep unless pete is the last one to say goodnight. i attempt the whole drill, but you cry every time unless pete comes in after me. it's so strange. it's even starting to be that way at naptime. if it's just me home i can't always get you to take a nap. if pete is home, then you always do. it's funny to listen to you when you won't take a nap. you still stay in your bed and read books to yourself mixed with a little singing. you really have a mild, sweet, and easy disposition even if it's masked in strange ways like not going to sleep unless pete is there.

10/16
your cousin Jade has been here visiting, and you boys are always very excited about that. you love her. tons. sam, you are so gentle and sweet with her, and will, you love being her best friend. the 2 of you have great chemistry. you can both be stinkers to each other, but you take turns at it and no one ever seems to mind. i loved how at the farm jade kept trying to give you crackers and you kept slapping at them telling her no. she didn't mind, and she kept doing it. you're just funny together. i wish she lived closer, and i wish i would've taken pics of you guys together.

apple streusel loaf

remember how i LOVE the Domestic Art cookbooks that i talk about sometimes? well, the 3rd and final book was just released, and just in the nick of time for my apple harvest. she has an apple streusel bread that i thought was pretty tasty with my apples. if you're looking for a way to use up apples, then you need to give this a try.


apple streusel loaf

2 c. flour 2 c. chopped, peeled apples
1 tbsp. baking powder 1/2 tsp. lemon zest
1/2 tsp. salt 1/2 c. milk
1/2 c. plus 2 tbsp. sugar 1 egg
1/2 c. butter 1/2 tsp. cinnamon

preheat the oven to 350. in a large bowl, stir together the flour, baking powder, salt, and 1/2 cup sugar. cut in the butter until coarse crumbs form. reserve 1/2 cup of this mixture. stir in apples and lemon zest into the remaining flour-butter mixture. in a small bowl mix the milk and egg until well blended. add to the apple mixture and stir just until moistened. pour batter into a greased loaf pan. in a small bowl, stir the reserved flour-butter mixture, cinnamon and the remaining 2 tbsp. sugar together. sprinkle over batter. press down lightly. bake 55-60 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. cool in pan 10 minutes before slicing and serving.

apples, apples, apples, who wants an apple?

we have oodles of beautiful and tasty apples around here. i can't believe how lucky we are to have a tree that produces such delicious fruit, and it is our luxury to pick and eat them all day. i've wanted to share them; i had the best of intentions this year. it just didn't happen. maybe next year? until then, i'm still trying to figure out how to use up the rest of these beauties. the boys and i unanimously agreed to stay home all day and work on applesauce and apple juice. i'm grateful for home and grateful for the yummy mess that we will have at the end of the day, and i can assure you it will be messy. :)

i don't want to miss a thing

i really miss these posts; i've taken a long break, but i'm ready to get back into these for my sake. this was an old post that never got posted. i will be on track with current info. next week.





8/31
Sam: i think this story is weird. tonight you started telling me a story about a guy named jackson. you were telling me how he liked to dance on a stage with only socks on, but he got too many germs on his feet so he had to go home and go to bed but he died in his bed. i really had to think about what you were talking about. it finally clicked; this is your interpretation of Michael Jackson's death. you must have seen it somewhere on tv, and apparently it made an impact on you. weird i think. a lesson on how you children soak up every thing you see or hear.

will: your new favorite words are guy and girl; every time you see a man you always say "there guy" or "who guy?". if you see a girl you say "there girl" or "who girl?" i think it's cute; i just wish you wouldn't say it right when the person is walking by us. :)

9/1 one of the favorite parts of my day is watching you boys play together; today you decided to push each other down the hill in our backyard in the wagon. i thought someone would certainly end up hurt, but no one; you both loved it.


9/2
Sam: you have been on a total "i don't like girls" kick. i know it's totally normal, so i don't make a big deal out of it. you did do the funniest thing today about that though. we were on our way to amy's. in the car you just started talking to yourself. your self talk when like this: "i just don't like girls. i only like stockton, mackey, my brother, and troy. i don't like girls." you took a short pause and then followed up with this comment: "i know, i know, i still have to be nice to everyone even if they are a girl!" i could not stop laughing even though you weren't talking to me. what made it even funnier was that you were totally just thinking out loud and were not intending to include anyone else in this conversation.

Will: you love being a mama's boy when sam is not around. we went to costco and the grocery store today, and you were a perfect little angel. what was so sweet was how you would always be trying to kiss me or want to hug me. that kind of stuff makes me want to squeeze you forever!

Sam: today at costco we were standing in line behind a guy probably late 30s that was totally decked out in business casual. he definitely had a polished look. sam leaned over and whispered "mom, do you see that man? he's really fancy!"

Will: i think emi is your best friend. you always want to call emi and you always want to go to emi's house.

Sam: on friday nights we watch a short family movie, and we let you and will go to sleep in our bed. tonight will was crying because he was scared of his reflection in the mirror. i was in there trying to help. sam rolled over to hold his hand and try to comfort him. sam looked up at me and said "mom, when i grow up i want to marry scooter!"



Sam: you became a little budding artist on your bedroom wall, toy box, hall walls, and salon walls. you were so proud of your pictures of the earth and ghosts it was easy to not be angry. instead we have spent some time together trying to get it scrubbed off.

Will: you're always concerned when sam is in trouble for things. however, you love trying to get him in trouble. you tattle a lot and claim that "sam hit me". maybe he does, but i know sometimes it's a story.

Sam: you started preschool this week. it's still home preschool, but we are doing it with emily and tyce so you have more people than me. you seem to really like it; i think it will be a good thing, but i'm sure going to miss our morning freedom to do whatever strikes us. i'm glad you have always loved learning, and i hope you always will.

Will: you like preschool, too, especially tyce and emi. you loved doing what the big kids were doing, and you were good.

that's not cool, that's awesome

congratulations to everyone guessing right on our family surprise. we are going to have baby! i am 13 weeks along which puts my due date at April 19. so far we seem to be cruising through this pregnancy with no problems. hopefully it will stay that way. we have had one doctor's appointment so far, and our suspicions were confirmed as much as they could about the sex of this baby. our instinct has been a girl from the beginning, and that was also our doctor's guess based on the slow heartbeat. we shall see; i certainly won't be disappointed if it's another boy because i've learned to love and appreciate boys so much, but i will be very surprised if it's not a girl. give us your guess....boy or girl?
we've given the boys enough information that they know a baby will join our family some time, and they seem to be very excited. sam's response was "that's not cool, that's awesome!" great way of saying it, sam! he's convinced it's a sister. he calls her madeline all the time, except for the other day. he told me he thinks there are 2 babies in there and we should name them maggie and aggie. uhhh, maybe not. :)
i can't believe we are embarking on this journey again, and i can't believe how excited i am to do it. i'm surprised the 3rd time around that it's still exciting and almost new. i can't wait to meet this little person inside.

can you guess our family surprise?

sam

dear sam
something is happening around here with you; you are changing some how. i guess that's the natural progression of things; you are almost 4. you have literally gone from a toddler to a boy in an instant. in the not so distant past you loved tractors & digging; you would do that for hours. you've recently informed me that you don't like tractors anymore, and you must not because you rarely can be talked into playing with them. going outside to ride bikes or jump on the tramp was preferred entertainment. now you don't go on your own, and you often say no that it's boring when i recommend it. you used to LOVE to paint; you always wanted to print off super hero pictures, and you would spend long periods of time doing that. not anymore. you also can't be convinced to spend time in the sewing room with me anymore; i already am missing the days when you would sit on the counter next to me and sort thread. you also won't even let me choose your clothes anymore. i'm not even sure i know what you love anymore besides tv (which i am majorly NOT a fan; now if i could convince others that you spend time with of that before the brain turns to mush and robs you of all your other recreational interests.) you also always want to be with friends. i'm just not sure how to hang onto your young childhood longer.
while i welcome the newfound independence, it's kind of a lonely change for me. remember how i used to be your world, your best friend? remember how you used to say "hold me mommy" and always need lots of snuggles and kisses? remember how you always twirled my hair and wanted me around? well, i miss those days. i never believed all the people who told me you would grow out of your infatuation with me; maybe they were actually right. i've been feeling really sad about it lately, and i'm feeling really sad right now. i have a quiet sense of peace about how i have raised you up to this point. i know i've given you as much love and direction as humanly possible, so i'm grateful i have that comfort as you change and need me less.
thankfully you still want to talk about things at night even though you're done now after only a few things. tonight i asked you if you were always going to be my boy, and thank you for your tender reassurance. you reassured me that you would still be my boy even when you are a grown up, when you are 10, and when you are in heaven. you even reassured me that i would always be your boy, too. and in a constantly evolving way i know you will always be my boy.

love
mom