dreaming

childhood is supposed to be the easiest time of life.
a time that should be relatively free of stress and full of innocence, simplicity, and fun.
i have a bit of a hard time relating to this.
i think i was born with the spirit of a grown up,
and i often view my own children as as miniature grown ups.
but they give me glimpses at times that they really are in the midst of a true childhood.
a few nights ago maggie woke up crying in the night.
i gave it a couple minutes before i got up.
sometimes she cries a bit in her sleep without waking up.
once i realized she was awake and really crying i got up.
in tears, she kept asking where her bedtime cup was.
i found it on the ground and handed it back to her.
as her tears slowed she whimpered,
"me had a bad dream. i dream daddy threw my cup in the dirt."
i was so relieved that's as bad as it gets for this baby!
if her worst nightmare is about losing her cup,
then she has it pretty easy.
then i realized how nice it would be to go back to a time where that was as scary as it got.
i didn't tell her that she woke me from a nightmare where i was trapped in a room in a city library trying to hide her under a table to protect her from gunshots someone was firing through the walls.
i'm a fan of preserving the childhood innocence, fearlessness, and freedom for as long as possible.

lean on me

i have a distorted relationship with trust.
i have for as long as i have known myself.
it's a feeling that prohibits me from fully letting go with anyone in my life and knowing they will really be there if i do let go.
it's hoping someone will always be there even if  i haven't done enough to earn it.
and i have expectations as such that make me pretty sure i will never be able to do enough to always keep someone there for me.
a very cause and effect understanding of depending on someone.
for example, i do this and i will get this.
i don't deserve or won't get this if i don't do that.
i'm guessing/hoping that's not how it really is to have the people in your life there for you.
sam taught me something contrary to this scarred way of thinking.
he earned $3 on saturday for  doing yard work.
i had not paid him until today.
he was going to the  bank to make a deposit,
but i didn't have dollar bills,
so i told him i would give him quarters.
he kindly declined and said i didn't really have to pay him.
of course i was going to pay him!
i explained that it was important to me to keep my word so that he would know he could always count on me.
with sincerity he said
"i know i can count on you even if you don't give me the $3."
and guess what?
i knew he totally meant it.
that was a gift to me.
also an exciting moment to know that my own child wasn't born with the same distorted view.
he knows i am always there for him simply because i am his mother,
i don't have to do anything more.
(at least at this point. :) )
bless this child of mine to continue to know that he can always count on me.
and bless him to continue to teach me.